I thought there was light at the end

However, it seems it was just a train.
I feel that there is just this huge wave of life, complications, and work has just crashed upon me.
I think this is what being a big kid is like.
I don't like it.
I just want to hide under my covers and sleep. Just five more minutes..

"You don't want gloves...?"

"Well I mean it's not that cold..yeah?"
These were the last words I remember. Everything after was just a blur...
When I woke up that morning I didnt think I would be so stressed, shooting five different shoots in the same location. With four different models. Twelve different outfits. Five different pairs of shoes. Glitter. Seven necklaces. Eight-teen rings. And I was slowly losing sun.

I had been shooting just to shoot all day. But I had planned a specific shoot, for weeks now. He rode up in his vintage cafe racer motorcycle. I never got what people found so sexy about motorcycles. I now get it.

Altercations, misunderstandings and ultimately, losing the shot I had been waiting all day for put me into a pretty upset mood. However.. the tables turned when he asked if I wanted to ride home with him on his bike. For months since we've known each other I would always make fun of him for spending hours in his garage fixing all these different bikes. I'd try my best to emasculate his process by calling them, "vroom vrooms". I take it all back now.

Our director was giving me the readers digest version of how to ride bitch on a bike. "Follow through. Move with him. Hold close to his stomach" all of which made no sense in my head I was still trying to process everything in my head that I was about to ride my first motorcycle. With him. In the middle of the desert. During the sunset. Honestly. It couldn't get any more perfect.

I won't lie. I screamed my lungs out while riding for the first two seconds. The rev of the engine made the bike jump a little. I wasn't expecting so much jerking. So much leaning and being pulled forward with every break. Thank god I wore a long shirt and was able to borrow a huge oversized jacket so my low cute jeans wouldn't be exposing my ass for the world to see.
To be honest, I wish I had on a cuter outfit for my first motorcycle experience. I had a huge orange helmet that belonged to our director (who had JUST gone ATV'ing and happened to have a helmet in his car), an oversized camel jacket who's owner is a good 5'11''. And skinny jeans and some slouched boots.

All I remember is hearing my heart beat faster and faster. No way was this guy going the speed limit. He swears to this day it just "seems faster on a bike"... I call bullshit. None the less I expect nothing less and want nothing more. To go fast.

Possibly the best fifteen minutes of my life in a long time. The ride home seemed to take forever. swirving in and out of cars into different lanes, almost getting hit by a semi, and being cut off by a truck. I felt like I was in a movie. It was THAT good.

We arrived back to his place and I just fell to the ground. My legs felt like jello. My thighs were warm from the bike, and my body was clinched the whole time because I couldn't make up my mind if I was scared or excited the whole entire time. He just laughed and asked if I was alright. Fuckin A I'm alright. The only words that managed to leave my mouth were, "Just.. give me a minute.. I think I just O'd". Is it possible to have an orgasm without intercourse? In my mind motorcycles just got that much more awesome. And he got that much more sexier.

It honestly took me a few hours to recover. Physically and mentally.

We had a table reservation for 20. Whiskey. Desert bands. A lot of laughs. And a lot of hugs. I couldn't help but feel this was slowly becoming to feel natural. Like something I had been missing so much from home. I loved every moment. And I honestly love being able to capture bits and pieces of moments through my camera. Because they will be mine. Forever.

The three of us ran out the doors of Pappy's & Harriets. Walked around the old movie sets. I grabbed his leather jacket and wore it. He told me not to lay down but I did anyway. The sky is so much closer to you out there. The stars are more noticeable. Never in my life did I know so many stars existed. We looked up and talked about future trips to San Francisco. About how fun it is to be buzzed and outside in nature- enjoying life.

On the car ride home there were beats booming inside the car making my heart pump a little more faster than I thought it should. Dancing. Singing. Throwing your head out the window and yelling just because you can. This is friendship. This is living in the moment. This. Was. So. Real.
We looked to the left, driving down 62 and saw the hugest, most orange moon we've ever seen. Many a times I've seen the sun rise. I've seen my share of gorgeous sunsets. But in one night, I saw possibly the best sunset of my life. Hours later followed by my first Moon rise. We were suddenly quiet. Just staring at this huge moon. The music down shifted on our iPod at the perfect moment. "Trust Fall" by Madi Diaz playing softly in the background as if it were the perfect soundtrack to that moment. Within seconds the Moon that looked as if it were the size of an orange it was so close to us, became small, high up in the sky.

Moments like this make me just fall in love with life. And it makes me realize how lucky I am.

By my standards

I feel like I can't really do any better. This past week has been nothing but amazing surprises, realizations, and introductions to many new things in my life.

My birthday came by saying good bye to my first friend I made out here in Palm Springs. Moving on to bigger and better things in his life and chasing his dreams in Los Angeles. It was bitter sweet... until after bar number 3 on Christmas Eve... and maybe five or six birthday shots later.. it just became.. fun.
Dinner downtown with my mom, and late night munchies with my friends out in Rancho Mirage. Running down El Paseo in Palm Desert, laughing, and singing Elton John at the top of your lungs is something I needed in my life. I was surrounded by white lights, window shopping, a spiked hot cocoa and a few good people.

Christmas morning came with a trip to Borrego Springs and ahhh. A spa. Three hours of massages, facials, reflexology and mani pedi time. Come on! It can't get any better... right?
Wrong. On our way back home we grabbed my dog, a few CDs and some fashion magazines. A two hour drive to Huntington Beach to see my wife, the Pacific Ocean. Randomly ran into a good friend of mine from San Francisco. Shared an espresso, and talked about life after school. He's studying for his MFA in Photography, and is one of the best one on one talkers I know. There are moments where I feel he really dives into you when he speaks. I feel that he might be too afraid to put himself out there fully, might be his ex-frat boy days stopping him. He's a total wild card and I love going out with him. Always a fun time. Usually a lot of drinks. And theres always good music and dancing involved.

Grabbed tacos (is there anything better than a christmas taco on the beach? I think not), and walked our way down the strip. Found a Dog Beach, and gave Gus the play time of his life. He made a girlfriend, Stella, the French Bulldog. He ran laps around dobermans, and boxers. He pounced on retrievers and.. got very very wet.

I came home later that evening to opening more presents. Low and behold. The only thing I asked for this year- a juicer! My life.. has changed. There's something extremely therapeutic by making your own juice. I've found a new appreciation for carrot juice. And I swear to god I will never buy a $5 bottle of orange juice ever again. Noted- 5 oranges makes 2 days worth of OJ. Pretty good deal. I'll never look back!
What I like about it also is I just FEEL good after drinking fresh juice. I can't wait to find fun, new recipes for juice. I found one for a mango, orange, carrot and blueberry juice.. I'm thinking I'll be spending more time at the Farmers Market.

I spent Monday night with Jaber. SO happy to have him in my life. Seriously such a good friend and all around fun person to be around with. We ended up at Kimi and shared a large bottle of saki, had some of the best sushi of my life, and were pleasantly surprised by a mutual friend of ours showing up. I tried my first muscle, which I have to say wasn't as bad as i thought it'd be. I got happily buzzed, and heated up from the outside, desert cold. We shared conversations on our up coming trip to San Francisco, music, favorite foods, and current love interests. There really is something truly beautiful to be able to speak to someone of the opposite sex about your interests, with knowing there are no judgements, no biased opinions, and having someone who will really listen to you- not just wait for their turn to talk.

Work has been killing me.. but I'm saving up for my week in New York. And I'm already getting the next three days off. Not too shabby. I'm enjoying working with the PR aspect of my job. I'm also enjoying the fact I'm still employed since we lost 3 people this past month. Knock on wood.

Off to hike with my dog. And just simply enjoy my life. You should too.

What are you hungry for?

I'm hungry for art.
I'm hungry for laughter.
I'm hungry for love.
Not the kind of love for your friends, or your dog, or your family.
I'm hungry for the I love life because I live in it with a certain person-can't stop thinking about you- kinda love.
I'm hungry for music to fill my life and soul.
I'm hungry for living a life where perfection isn't something to strive for.
I'm hungry for a new language.
I'm hungry for late nights and early mornings.
I'm hungry for new architecture.
I'm hungry for new design.
I'm hungry for new photographs.
I'm hungry for dreams.

Time to breathe.

I finished this semester off on a good note. I finished my paper, I got a 48/50 on my written test and a 199/200 on my exam. Couldn't be happier. All this worry is off my shoulders.
I just felt too anxious. I kept putting it off and finally just had to throw my hands up and tackle it.

I feel like I've been finding the most mundane things in my life to get excited over-
I got happy when I received mail. Someone told me I did a good job on our last photo shoot and I just wanted to hug them for just acknowledging the fact I put my all into it. I made flan last night for the first time in 10 months and it was.. the best thing ever.
And out of pure curiosity I tried on my skinny jeans that have been hiding in my dresser for two years. Oh snap. They fit.

I found myself making last minute plans with an old co worker from LA who was in Palm Springs for the weekend last night and ended up at Spencers. It felt like even though we were in the middle of the desert, we were still laughing and drinking like we were back in LA. The best last minute, midnight booze sesh.

I feel now that even though I'm slammed with work from now until Feb., I have so much free time with that one class under my belt. There are a lot of roads and options I want to pursue, so we'll see. A lot of places I want to go. A lot of mini roadtrips to take my dog on.

This weather is really making me home sick. All the fog and cold. Makes a girl miss it.

A time for reflection

Jim in our room at Ace Hotel in palm Springs. The beginning of my journey


I woke up this morning quite early. But I honestly can't complain. I went out the night before and sincerely and truly enjoyed myself. For once I left my phone on silent. I had some drinks. I laughed. I stumbled on my words out of nervousness. Leading into butterflies in my stomach. Which led to rambling. I need to stop doing that. I do it far too often. Which is why I think I'm still single. I just talk too much haha. I wasn't worried about work. I wasn't making lists in my head of what needs to be done. What has to be finished at the studio. What errands need to be run. The deadline of my exam and paper (all within the next 48 hours so now it's really crunch time). I simply enjoyed myself. I enjoyed being in the presence of a really great person. And for once in a really long time I let myself go with no expectations and had one of the best nights in a long time.

I woke up to horrible whiskey breath (why the hell didn't I brush my teeth? Embarrassing), a tiny head ache a cold apartment and four blankets that I then hibernated under for another three hours. I spent the last hour and a half just listening to Pandora on my phone. Listening to acoustic songs and raspy voices sing of loss, love, heartache, and new beginnings. I feel this has thrown me and tossed me around. But in a really good way. I started my year out in the desert. And I'm ending it in an entirely different desert. And I've gained a whole new concept of what independence fully is. I've created this plan of how I wanted my life to lead. And opportunities came up that have changed my life for the better. I've gotten in trouble, but it led to really good things, and making me fight my own battles, and respecting myself for taking care of business. I've gone from someone who would go out 5-6 nights a week, boozing and schmoozing, to rarely even taking a night out to have fun and work a job I literally walked into; I knew nothing about how to run a studio. I didn't know about the photography world outside of school. I didn't know about the business. And here I am now, juggling a professional job at a professional studio, going to school online and working a fun job planning events and parties.

I've grown up a lot this year. Not that I'm all work and no play. Trust. I still like to play.

Globally, this year has been one huge revolution after another. I'm a part of history. I've witnessed amazing things this year. I've experienced amazing things. I've seen so many concerts and shows and raves. I've put a good 7,000 miles on my car. I've made friends all over California, Nevada, Oregon, and New York this year. I've taken so many photographs. I am honestly living such a good life. I really feel like great things are coming. And I welcome them with open arms.

And I woke up

To the gloomy, grey clouds peaking through my windows. My dog curled up not even an inch away from my stomach. My stomach growling for food. My eyes not wanting to open. I think pulling the covers over my head will change the fact that I need to be to work in the next half hour.
I love what I do and I do what I love. I feel though, I'm not in the right spot to do it all. I can never be fucking satisfied. It's never good enough. I have an amazing job. An amazing boss. A great place, in a good neighborhood. But I bitch about not knowing anyone. I want a boyfriend. Or a designated snuggle buddy. The winter months always put me in a more romantic mood.
My life has consisted of tea. New amazing shoes. Yummy reading. And of course, Sufjan Stevens. I would really like to see him play. It's one of those concerts I feel I will never see in my life time. But would love to. I have to live and love the magic and musical genius through Vimeo and Youtube I guess...

I'll be home in San Francisco in two weeks. Extremely happy to be surrounded by friends. Even more happy about being able to see certain people. And to sit on my rooftop, drinking tea for possibly the last time. Looking out over downtown. I've lived an exciting, fun, life. I need to always remember this.