Big decisions. Big transitions.

Nobody ever said this was easy. Nobody ever said growing up wasn't complicated. Nobody said your destiny will call you
And change for you when it's convenient for you.

We'll see how much this city has left for me.

Let Go.

He told me he had never seen 'Garden State'. I freaked the hell out. HOW can you not see this film? This film was my whole. My being. Being sixteen was this film. Every quote, every song on that soundtrack I fully resonated with.

I kept going on about how great the film was and suddenly realized maybe it was just me. This film presented itself and was a coming of age moment for me because I made it personal. Maybe it wouldn't be personal to him. Maybe it would be just another film. With a really amazing soundtrack. Of songs I'm sure he's heard before.

I remember everything exactly from first seeing this film in the theater. My best friend Mandii and I went during the middle of the day. It was only playing at the indie theater and it made it even better; we thought we were such cool kids. Every song was new to me. It filled me up..literally. I could feel my soul fill up with every note strummed and picked on an acoustic guitar that fully supported each scene in the film. My laughter was full and innocent and genuine with every line that constantly reminded me of how "real" the situations were. How I knew people that would say such outrageous things at such innapropriate times. How homes really looked like Sam's home. How my mom was exactly like that mom. How dogs will just go and hump strangers legs. AFter seeing the film i was instantly inspired and felt an actual sense of beauty. It sounds so lame but it's true.
It was in early September or November.. But the last scene when they finally kiss.. The scene foes to black and the credits fade in and out. The song "Let Go" by Frou Frou plays just a bit louder than any other song in the movie which just sinks into you. Fading slowly as they kiss and a sudden rush of music and slight intensity of volume awakened me from my 96 minute escape from the world.
Mandii and I walked out of the theater and the song was still dancing in my head. The sky seemed more blue. The red and orange and yellow leaves of the trees trickled down with dollops of 4'oclock autumn sun bursting through the branches. This film opened my eyes. To the possibility of true love. To the conclusion that I didn't have to be someone anybody else wanted me to be. Because being sixteen is so awkward and confusing- who the hell knows what self realization is at sixteen? I could be weird or quirky or loud and say and do what I wanted. It was a little existential to say the least. Maybe it was a tiny epiphany- it sounds so dumb but I realized I could just..be..Me. Everything from that week on was so beautiful. And it's because I found the beauty in it. And I appreciated it all full heartedly.

The film finally played. An hour of techinical difficulties made me think the possibility of watching this film and sharing it with someone I enjoyed and care about was not going to happen. But it did. The universe wanted us to enjoy it. With dinner fully eaten and a half a bottle of wine to share between us I thought "a perfect way to end this half of my business trip, and my trip here in the desert". Constant interruptions and texting distracted him from the film. Honestly I wasn't upset or annoyed. Which in any other case I would be a tad put off.. but I wasn't. I got it. He apologized but there was no reason in my mind that he needed to. Maybe this film wasn't meant to be shared and I just forced a situation that I thought would be something great is just not supposed to happen.

The last 10 minutes of the film, Zac Braffs character speaks about how leaving Sam isn't the end. But more of an elypsis of a beginning. Sort of like a new chapter. He says he has to live his new life- he was numb for 26 years and finally his life is now starting. He wanted to be selfish. Finally at the last second he realized how stupid that was. What they had is real. And to not let it go.

The song plays and I felt if nothing else, please listen to this last ten minutes. If he doesn't take anything away - if the film as a whole doesn't affect you as much as me (and whose to say it should) please, just please listen to this. For your own sake. And honestly I don't know why that thought popped into my mind. I'm great at reading people but I can't put my finger on him. I feel he doesn't let himself come first.. maybe he puts others in front of him. Understandable with his situation and responsibilites.. maybe subconsciously I feel he needs to be selfish. And as happy as he is I still sense and empty part. Not that he needs a person or someone to fill that in. But something is missing.. or lost. I can't say for sure because it's too early to fully let eachother in as friends in that way. And for me things need to be organic. I don't want to force conversations or friendships, relationships, life situations advice on to others. But I felt that the last few minutes would sink in. And surprisingly- those ten minutes happened. No phone. No distraction.. But I felt maybe this was just a bad suggestion, forcing a film onto someone who wasn't looking for it? If it makes sense? I dont know..

He told me he loved it. I felt like I was sixteen again. The feelings I had about the film rushed through me. I could only hope to give and share that joy I had of seeing it the first time and a million times after with someone else. He said he's watch it again without distractions. And I accept that. I feel this movie is too good. Seeing it by yourself takes it to another level. And maybe that's what needs to happen- for him to fully appreciate and fall in love with the movie by himself. On his own terms.

I then realized I may not have been able to enjoy the moment with him at this moment in time- but I introduced something to him. And I honestly think, be it movie, music, person, story, situation- you have to resonate with it on your own terms. Love it and enhance your perspective on your own terms. Because really, we can only truly see beauty in our own eyes- not through someone else's.