I need to get away to feel again

I feel so in and out. My mind races a million miles a minute but I'm slow to react on everything. Maybe it's this weather.
Last Friday I went out to one of my favorite "get away" spots and shot my now friend, Tore. Now I am not a nature girl. I will be the first to say I'm horrible with nature. I'll cringe at the sight of a bug.. and I'll be convinced every plant that brushes against my skin will give me some type of disease or I'll have an allergic reaction. But this place is one of my favorite places to go. When I can't drive to my secret beach I'll come here and walk the trails/read/listen to some music.

There's this weird fascination I get to bringing people ... well perfect strangers in general to a space that is all my own. Inviting them into "my space" without them knowing it. Maybe they won't appreciate it as much as I do. Maybe they fall in love with it. But I love knowing I'm bringing someone into my place of refuge.

I feel like I'm constantly playing catch up this week. I won't lie I haven't been as diligent as I've been in the past.. but I can't be doing 18 hour days all day everyday. A girl needs some fun.

I've been walking a lot.

To be honest there is nothing more beautiful than the desert. I've been there 3 times in one year and I can't get enough of it. I love waking up to 88 degree weather at 6 am. Flat surfaces where I can run for days. Amazing new places to discover...I wanna go on a roadtrip soon.

I woke up Friday morning to the sound of the rain thrashing itself up against my window. No fucking way I'm leaving the house at 7:30 am to shoot on Embarcadero. I tried closing my eyes and put the covers over my head. I realized my room was unnecessarily cold and grabbed a blanket off the shelf for some more heat. 8:15am. More heavy rain. More regrets of moving my bed right agains my bay windows. 9:36. I'm already an hour late to class there's no point in going. 10:15. I'm up. Get dressed and hey the sun is out.

I went to my second class. Met up with a friend and took his photo. I'm still anxious to get my film back and see how it looks.

I've had this horrible feeling all weekend though to be honest- ever since friday night. I honestly feel it was food poisoning, however I went out saturday night none the less.

I feel I'm at a standstill. I'm not motivated to finish school but I'm anxious to start grad school? I haven't even taken my GRE (obviously) but I want throw myself into working towards it and studying...?

My mom took my dog back to San Jose. I think she was getting lonely. I really miss him though. He's a pain in the ass sometimes... and having the responsibility of 2 -3 walks a day, 2 meals and play/park time sometimes kills me, I love him.
I wanna take gus to the ocean. He'd like that.

I need more film!

I hate technology. I had a very uneventful saturday night. Dragged E to take me to Pho. Best moment of my day. Reals.
I forgot how to party with teenagers. And now I remember why I don't do it. My little brother turned 20. Got him a limo and drove around the city. Went to mission to take him to an African dance club that was the most fun I've had in a while. His friend got too drunk. We had to leave. Went back to the neighborhood and ended up at some 18+ hookah/dance place. Worst. Idea. Ever. The place was most definitely over cap by a good... 50 people. Some drunk hoe-hoe bumped into our table and I got a hot coal stuck in my boot. Crazy burn....

Satisfied

Cheapest. Easiest. Yummiest meal for one. I won't complain.






- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Yesterday went so beautifully.
Woke up without a hangover. Always a plus.
Had some amazing chinese tea and did some yoga. Which is something.. I guess if I made a New Years resolution, doing more yoga and just being overall more ... flexible would be one of them.
I walked down to union square and shot the rest of my roll of film.
Headed down to Hamburger Eyes and processed a few rolls of film.
Met Dennis McGrath who by the way is extremely talented and has amazing eyes. I perved on some of his blogs and
was blown away. We talked about our love for film and analog photography to digital and papers, and printing, and LA and his work, and some of his zines, to porn and sexual .. hrm.. toys.
Doug picked me up after closing up and we walked around. Got him a charger and took me to Embarcadero.
Met up with Jesse and I took him to some bars. Thoroughly had a great time and we decided to be friends. Legit friends.
I crashed around 3am and now I'm trying to contemplate if I want a quesadilla before work or not. Options.

It's been a whileeee

My birthday


A lot has happened since I last made a post.
I've fallen in and out of love with the wrong person for me.
I've grown up.
I've passed my photo classes.
I've made some zines.
I've painted.
I've shot 89 rolls of film and 24 sheets of 4x5.
I've learned how to use a Hasselblad.
I've smoked a lot.
I've drank a lot.
I've written some papers.
I've seen 22 films.
I've learned more turkish.
I've embraced my single - living.
I've embarrassed myself.
I've laughed a lot.
I've had people vibe me out.
I've learned guitar.
I've written a song.
I've traveled to Humboldt county and made some friends.
I've worked in a gallery.
I've found a new love and appreciation for frivolous sex.
I've bought a new record every month. From an artist I knew nothing about.
I've run a 7 minute mile.
I've written a thesis.
I've surfed almost every morning since 2011.
I've figured out my next tattoo.
I've made some money.
I've sold some prints.
I've worked on my website.
I've made a book.
I've had my heart broken.
And I've danced a lot. By myself in my room. On the street for no reason. On the dance floor (jokes). With my friends. On a table. On a bar. In my car (wow dr. Seuss anyone?)
I've smiled. And I've hugged a lot of people.

The juicy details in between aren't so ground breaking to make a whole post about. So this is a little inside peek of my life from a few ( a lot) of months ago until now.

Today went in directions I could not have imaged. I loved every minute of it. Today has reminded me of how great everyday can be. And life is just full of surprises. Dont take days for granted. :)

I haven't posted in a while

I'm feeling out of it
I'm feeling a bit out of my element
And I'm feeling I have no control over what will or is and ever will happen
To me
or just life in general

I thought I made some good decisions but I'm feeling more and more crushed
I think I ran into this with such gumption
Just so I could pave over the feelings and emotions of brokenness
and hurt and pain
Like a quick treatment
I want to tell you the past few months things have been great
But with each day I just get more and more closer to realizing how much
This person kills my spirit.

Which isn't acceptable

I'd always laugh at my best friend telling me he falls in love every day
But now I am almost jealous of how lucky he is
I'd rather fall in love every day and be excited
Than sporadically feel this much pain

I'll try to post more uplifting things
and scan some effing film in. One of these days