Where you want to be.

I've done a lot in these past few months.
I've taken photos.
I've learned to only eat when I'm hungry.
I've found a whole new love for running.
I've learned I never want to live anywhere without a pool.
I've learned I don't ever want to live so far from an ocean.
I've played in the sand.
I've seen some amazing bands.
I've fallen in love. With yerba mate.
I've written a lot.
I made one new friend.
I've learned the beauty of music. And how it really does save your soul.
I've become a tad obsessed with shopping for vintage and first edition books.
I've found an appreciation for my job.
I've found an alternate route to take to San Diego.
I've put up curtains. All by myself.
I've paid my first bills.
I've made some money.
I decided my next trip will be to Indonesia and possibly Fiji. This year.
I've cooked a lot... Actually almost every meal has been a cooked meal by yours truly.
I've watched some really good movies.
I've watched some really bad movies.
I'm sure there's more.
I just don't feel like typing anymore

Nothing original. Just a song I love and a photo from last semester.

Some are reachin' few are there
Want to reign from a hero's chair
Some are scared to fly so high
Well this is how we have to try

Have no envy and no fear
Have no envy and no fear

Brother brother we all see
Your hiding out so painfully
See yourself come out to play
A lover's rain will wash away

Your envy and your fear
So have no envy and no fear

When your sister turns to leave
Only when she's most in need
Take away the cause of pain
By showing her we're all the same

Have no envy and no fear
Have no envy and no fear

Every day we try to find
Search our hearts and in our minds
The place we used to call our home
Can't be found when we're alone

So have no envy and no fear
Have no envy and no fear

"Come on Skinny Love.."

There are some songs that are so gorgeous that it really is a shame they are only 3 minutes and forty three seconds long. I wonder how meditating that must be, to be able to write a song. I've been blessed to play any song I hear by ear. But I can't for the life of me create a song. I've tried it trust me. On piano. Guitar. Cello. It just won't happen for me. I really have a full appreciation for artists to create a truly beautiful song. Both lyrical and musically.

I spent an amazing weekend to myself. Running and walking a total of 14 miles in the desert and from my place to downtown and back with Gus. There was a fun motorcycle rally throughout the weekend. I leave my windows in my bedroom open at night so I don't have to have the AC on and hear that incessant hum sound. It was nice waking up to the sun and hearing the loud roar of motorcycles coming off the 111 right outside my front yard. I think I'm just desperate to hear any type of noise. I've grown too accustomed to the sound of sirens, people screaming, "I'm going to FUCKING KILL YOU". There are no glass bottles smashing outside my windows. No homeless, incoherent banter. No sluts running up and down the main drag "woooo"-ing and laughing, repeatedly saying, "OH my GAWWWDDDD... I'm not ever THAT drunk". It's sad that that used to be my own lullaby to fall asleep to.

As if it needed to be more complicated.

To say I'm the conductor of my life and can safely take myself form point A to point B would be such a lie. No one has ultimate control over their life. Or life.. the universe.. in general.
But for some reason I always feel like challenging this. I know. I have experiences in the past that have proved to me even if I try to direct my way through life, it never turns out how it's originally planned. It's not that I don't accept it. But I just don't see why I still find myself challenging this. What am I trying to prove?

I feel that things lately have been slowly dismantled. I feel like I'm caring less and less. I don't now why. It's nothing like me. I was three days late paying my electric bill. I'm NEVER that careless. It's not that I'm too busy. It's not that I'm taking work home. My sleep schedule isn't off the rails. I'm eating healthy, and exercising two times a day. So what's going on? Seriously though, the day I start worrying over a fucking bill... might just be the day I do myself in.
There are too many things in life too beautiful to be hindered by small things like this. And I always feel there's this .. higher consciousness that I'm aware of mentally... but lose grasp of it. And get too held up in the every day problems that plague me. "Remember to drop off/pick up laundry". "I want to sleep in. But if I sleep in there will be more traffic. Putting me in a bad mood. Making me late for work. Making me listen to some dumbass give me a spiel on how it's 'disrespectful' to show up late". "Did I leave the stove on?". "Should I really use the A/C right now?"... These questions and thoughts won't have any huge significance for me one year from now.. five years from now. So why do I bother with it?

I'm still trying to figure out why the fuck I moved out here. Without a degree. Without knowing anyone. Without the slightest idea of what this job asked for. I'm twenty fucking two years old. Once again I feel like I'm trying to grow up too much. Gotta get that big girl job. Gotta pay that rent. Be self sufficient. All.. for the better understanding of how the real world works? To have a great career so I can wake up in the morning and say "I love my job" instead of "I hate my job"?... I don't know. Usually I can see a path that starts to form from the basis of my decisions I make.. but to be honest- I don't see this going anywhere. Not in a depressing "I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel" type of way.. just.. I feel it's I stay here and keep working. Work hard. Make contacts... but I don't see how Grad School and opening my own gallery (which has been my ultimate goal for the past two years) fits in here. Or I go back home. With amazing experience under my belt.. And figure out my next move? I feel that this move... I don't know if you can say it's a move. Because when I think of "moving"- you take all your shit. You put it somewhere else. To set up in a different location. Classic me.. I still have 2 boxes of essentials in a closet hiding in San Francisco. I have mounds of clothes and journals, filled with art, poems, short stories and essays hidden in my room in San Jose at my mom's house. I have camera's and chemicals in a garage in San Jose. I haven't really fully moved. Maybe because I just don't want to leave completely. But I feel this.. relocating.. it's not a definite ending point. I don't feel it's a beginning to a new chapter either... I'm feeling lost as to where this part of my life is taking me. I'm down for the journey. Just a little scared. I'm human though. Of course I'm scared of something new.