As much as I welcome summer..

I think I might miss this mist and the rain. I won't miss walking in the rain. I've done that way too many times this year. And I will NOT miss this horrible wind. Running against the wind is killing me every night.

I've finally had the time and money to get a lot of my slide film processed/scanned.
One thing I've noticed is that I can't help but shoot in fragments and details.

I have this theory. You know how people that are shy are insecure can't seem to stare or look people in the eye? Especially after they first meet, etc. For me I find it to be my perfect excuse to get to know this person. I use my camera to get close. Literally and physically. But with my friends- whom I photograph every day.. I have very little images of them. Just staring at me. Or looking at me in the sense of the "traditional portrait". I wonder why..

White blank pages

I had my first cup of coffee today accidently. I feel that although I've experienced more life than some 90 year old people.. there are still tiny mundane things I haven't experienced. Case in point, drink coffee. I think I always associated it with the "coffee-breath" everyone has after and just filed that away in my brain as a negative connotation. None the less I feel like I just snorted a fuck ton of speed and I don't enjoy this jittery feeling. But I will say this; it tasted damn good.

I need to work on my god damn website. However this beautiful sliver of summer is making me lazy. I want to enjoy life and the sun. I don't want to sit in a dark lab all day editing away. I don't want to be in a cold darkroom *have I ever said anything like that before?!* printing away, leaving smelling like fix and selenium. I just wanna dress cute. Play in the sun. And possibly lay on the grass in a park and read a book. Because I'm that kinda girl.

I drank a beer on an empty stomach. And I'm still jittery from that stupid coffee drink 5 hours ago. But I'm not hungry. And I'm a poor kid until next week. Ah life.

Living through your letters

My grandma died this morning. Hibernating for a while.

I've only been listening to acoustic sets.

I'm not one to think too much about the intricacies of life and the universe. But this week in particular I've been getting sign after sign (but what are "signs" really?..) that's only led me to the conclusion that I can't control which way my life goes. Not something too profound.. many of us know this already.. But I'm talking on a different level.

I'd rather not go into a ton of details.. but basically I tried my best to prevent certain situations from happening, and I tried my best to make things happen.. and the universe just wasn't gonna fly with my decisions..

OK so thats neither here nor there.

I rushed to get to class today.. only to find out class is canceled.. twice this month. Where is my 2 grand going? seriously.

So now I'm scanning film, as I have been doing for.. this whole month pretty much. I wish the process wasn't SO LONG. It takes 10 minutes for one image to fully scan/be saved.

But I'm especially fond of this image I took about.. 2 months ago? I was with my best friend Breno and Doug. The night before we said "all I wanna do is go on location. And shoot some film". We had planned to leave at 10 am the next morning. But alcohol sounded like a better option and so we drank til 1 am and didn't wake up until half past noon. At 1pm we finally got our shit together and drove north. We didn't quite know where we wanted to go but we knew what we wanted to see/shoot. We ended up in Marin.. and finally on a small side road to get to Point Reyes. In the middle we saw this abandoned, exquisitely haunting white house. We hopped over a tree log and under a fence and explored. I walked a good 1/4 mile behind the house and saw this amazing tree. It sounds so ridiculous but I've never been so lost for words when it comes to nature. For some reason there was just something about the mass and organic lines of this tree. I wanted to sit underneath it and just listen to my ipod and fall asleep. I thought about that one book.. "The Giving Tree". Childrens books are great literature you know... When you're young you listen to your mother or sister or brother and grandparents read you these books and there is a limitless abyss for your imagination to run free. You take it for what it is and accept books about talking animals, and dancing snowmen. But once you're older you think about the stories you were read to.. and I think about The Giving Tree.. and think I could only be so lucky if I have someone in my life like that. Be it friend or lover. To have someone that appreciates and love you for you. That gives you things because they deserve them. No one asks questions. And until the day you're old and grey, they will still be there for you. As they always have been since day one...


2 more scans then off to my last class of the week.

The more I get of you the stranger it feels

Yes. A seal reference. It's become my anthem when I scan. Don't ask me why...

This morning I woke up to a hazy and foggy San Francisco and I wanted nothing more than to pull the covers over and sleep in. Or go on an adventure and explore. Work was definitely not on the agenda for today.

I have been suddenly hit with a burst of inspiration. I've been thinking of so many things I want to shoot and new concepts and stories and spreads. It's just if I have time to get everything written down on a piece of paper so I can remember it all.

Scanning tonight. Until I get kicked out at 10:30. Then I'll be off to the gym. And sleep. Argh! SO much to do. So much to do.

I need to get away to feel again

I feel so in and out. My mind races a million miles a minute but I'm slow to react on everything. Maybe it's this weather.
Last Friday I went out to one of my favorite "get away" spots and shot my now friend, Tore. Now I am not a nature girl. I will be the first to say I'm horrible with nature. I'll cringe at the sight of a bug.. and I'll be convinced every plant that brushes against my skin will give me some type of disease or I'll have an allergic reaction. But this place is one of my favorite places to go. When I can't drive to my secret beach I'll come here and walk the trails/read/listen to some music.

There's this weird fascination I get to bringing people ... well perfect strangers in general to a space that is all my own. Inviting them into "my space" without them knowing it. Maybe they won't appreciate it as much as I do. Maybe they fall in love with it. But I love knowing I'm bringing someone into my place of refuge.

I feel like I'm constantly playing catch up this week. I won't lie I haven't been as diligent as I've been in the past.. but I can't be doing 18 hour days all day everyday. A girl needs some fun.

I've been walking a lot.

To be honest there is nothing more beautiful than the desert. I've been there 3 times in one year and I can't get enough of it. I love waking up to 88 degree weather at 6 am. Flat surfaces where I can run for days. Amazing new places to discover...I wanna go on a roadtrip soon.

I woke up Friday morning to the sound of the rain thrashing itself up against my window. No fucking way I'm leaving the house at 7:30 am to shoot on Embarcadero. I tried closing my eyes and put the covers over my head. I realized my room was unnecessarily cold and grabbed a blanket off the shelf for some more heat. 8:15am. More heavy rain. More regrets of moving my bed right agains my bay windows. 9:36. I'm already an hour late to class there's no point in going. 10:15. I'm up. Get dressed and hey the sun is out.

I went to my second class. Met up with a friend and took his photo. I'm still anxious to get my film back and see how it looks.

I've had this horrible feeling all weekend though to be honest- ever since friday night. I honestly feel it was food poisoning, however I went out saturday night none the less.

I feel I'm at a standstill. I'm not motivated to finish school but I'm anxious to start grad school? I haven't even taken my GRE (obviously) but I want throw myself into working towards it and studying...?

My mom took my dog back to San Jose. I think she was getting lonely. I really miss him though. He's a pain in the ass sometimes... and having the responsibility of 2 -3 walks a day, 2 meals and play/park time sometimes kills me, I love him.
I wanna take gus to the ocean. He'd like that.