What are you hungry for?

I'm hungry for art.
I'm hungry for laughter.
I'm hungry for love.
Not the kind of love for your friends, or your dog, or your family.
I'm hungry for the I love life because I live in it with a certain person-can't stop thinking about you- kinda love.
I'm hungry for music to fill my life and soul.
I'm hungry for living a life where perfection isn't something to strive for.
I'm hungry for a new language.
I'm hungry for late nights and early mornings.
I'm hungry for new architecture.
I'm hungry for new design.
I'm hungry for new photographs.
I'm hungry for dreams.

Time to breathe.

I finished this semester off on a good note. I finished my paper, I got a 48/50 on my written test and a 199/200 on my exam. Couldn't be happier. All this worry is off my shoulders.
I just felt too anxious. I kept putting it off and finally just had to throw my hands up and tackle it.

I feel like I've been finding the most mundane things in my life to get excited over-
I got happy when I received mail. Someone told me I did a good job on our last photo shoot and I just wanted to hug them for just acknowledging the fact I put my all into it. I made flan last night for the first time in 10 months and it was.. the best thing ever.
And out of pure curiosity I tried on my skinny jeans that have been hiding in my dresser for two years. Oh snap. They fit.

I found myself making last minute plans with an old co worker from LA who was in Palm Springs for the weekend last night and ended up at Spencers. It felt like even though we were in the middle of the desert, we were still laughing and drinking like we were back in LA. The best last minute, midnight booze sesh.

I feel now that even though I'm slammed with work from now until Feb., I have so much free time with that one class under my belt. There are a lot of roads and options I want to pursue, so we'll see. A lot of places I want to go. A lot of mini roadtrips to take my dog on.

This weather is really making me home sick. All the fog and cold. Makes a girl miss it.

A time for reflection

Jim in our room at Ace Hotel in palm Springs. The beginning of my journey


I woke up this morning quite early. But I honestly can't complain. I went out the night before and sincerely and truly enjoyed myself. For once I left my phone on silent. I had some drinks. I laughed. I stumbled on my words out of nervousness. Leading into butterflies in my stomach. Which led to rambling. I need to stop doing that. I do it far too often. Which is why I think I'm still single. I just talk too much haha. I wasn't worried about work. I wasn't making lists in my head of what needs to be done. What has to be finished at the studio. What errands need to be run. The deadline of my exam and paper (all within the next 48 hours so now it's really crunch time). I simply enjoyed myself. I enjoyed being in the presence of a really great person. And for once in a really long time I let myself go with no expectations and had one of the best nights in a long time.

I woke up to horrible whiskey breath (why the hell didn't I brush my teeth? Embarrassing), a tiny head ache a cold apartment and four blankets that I then hibernated under for another three hours. I spent the last hour and a half just listening to Pandora on my phone. Listening to acoustic songs and raspy voices sing of loss, love, heartache, and new beginnings. I feel this has thrown me and tossed me around. But in a really good way. I started my year out in the desert. And I'm ending it in an entirely different desert. And I've gained a whole new concept of what independence fully is. I've created this plan of how I wanted my life to lead. And opportunities came up that have changed my life for the better. I've gotten in trouble, but it led to really good things, and making me fight my own battles, and respecting myself for taking care of business. I've gone from someone who would go out 5-6 nights a week, boozing and schmoozing, to rarely even taking a night out to have fun and work a job I literally walked into; I knew nothing about how to run a studio. I didn't know about the photography world outside of school. I didn't know about the business. And here I am now, juggling a professional job at a professional studio, going to school online and working a fun job planning events and parties.

I've grown up a lot this year. Not that I'm all work and no play. Trust. I still like to play.

Globally, this year has been one huge revolution after another. I'm a part of history. I've witnessed amazing things this year. I've experienced amazing things. I've seen so many concerts and shows and raves. I've put a good 7,000 miles on my car. I've made friends all over California, Nevada, Oregon, and New York this year. I've taken so many photographs. I am honestly living such a good life. I really feel like great things are coming. And I welcome them with open arms.

And I woke up

To the gloomy, grey clouds peaking through my windows. My dog curled up not even an inch away from my stomach. My stomach growling for food. My eyes not wanting to open. I think pulling the covers over my head will change the fact that I need to be to work in the next half hour.
I love what I do and I do what I love. I feel though, I'm not in the right spot to do it all. I can never be fucking satisfied. It's never good enough. I have an amazing job. An amazing boss. A great place, in a good neighborhood. But I bitch about not knowing anyone. I want a boyfriend. Or a designated snuggle buddy. The winter months always put me in a more romantic mood.
My life has consisted of tea. New amazing shoes. Yummy reading. And of course, Sufjan Stevens. I would really like to see him play. It's one of those concerts I feel I will never see in my life time. But would love to. I have to live and love the magic and musical genius through Vimeo and Youtube I guess...

I'll be home in San Francisco in two weeks. Extremely happy to be surrounded by friends. Even more happy about being able to see certain people. And to sit on my rooftop, drinking tea for possibly the last time. Looking out over downtown. I've lived an exciting, fun, life. I need to always remember this.

Where you want to be.

I've done a lot in these past few months.
I've taken photos.
I've learned to only eat when I'm hungry.
I've found a whole new love for running.
I've learned I never want to live anywhere without a pool.
I've learned I don't ever want to live so far from an ocean.
I've played in the sand.
I've seen some amazing bands.
I've fallen in love. With yerba mate.
I've written a lot.
I made one new friend.
I've learned the beauty of music. And how it really does save your soul.
I've become a tad obsessed with shopping for vintage and first edition books.
I've found an appreciation for my job.
I've found an alternate route to take to San Diego.
I've put up curtains. All by myself.
I've paid my first bills.
I've made some money.
I decided my next trip will be to Indonesia and possibly Fiji. This year.
I've cooked a lot... Actually almost every meal has been a cooked meal by yours truly.
I've watched some really good movies.
I've watched some really bad movies.
I'm sure there's more.
I just don't feel like typing anymore

Nothing original. Just a song I love and a photo from last semester.

Some are reachin' few are there
Want to reign from a hero's chair
Some are scared to fly so high
Well this is how we have to try

Have no envy and no fear
Have no envy and no fear

Brother brother we all see
Your hiding out so painfully
See yourself come out to play
A lover's rain will wash away

Your envy and your fear
So have no envy and no fear

When your sister turns to leave
Only when she's most in need
Take away the cause of pain
By showing her we're all the same

Have no envy and no fear
Have no envy and no fear

Every day we try to find
Search our hearts and in our minds
The place we used to call our home
Can't be found when we're alone

So have no envy and no fear
Have no envy and no fear

"Come on Skinny Love.."

There are some songs that are so gorgeous that it really is a shame they are only 3 minutes and forty three seconds long. I wonder how meditating that must be, to be able to write a song. I've been blessed to play any song I hear by ear. But I can't for the life of me create a song. I've tried it trust me. On piano. Guitar. Cello. It just won't happen for me. I really have a full appreciation for artists to create a truly beautiful song. Both lyrical and musically.

I spent an amazing weekend to myself. Running and walking a total of 14 miles in the desert and from my place to downtown and back with Gus. There was a fun motorcycle rally throughout the weekend. I leave my windows in my bedroom open at night so I don't have to have the AC on and hear that incessant hum sound. It was nice waking up to the sun and hearing the loud roar of motorcycles coming off the 111 right outside my front yard. I think I'm just desperate to hear any type of noise. I've grown too accustomed to the sound of sirens, people screaming, "I'm going to FUCKING KILL YOU". There are no glass bottles smashing outside my windows. No homeless, incoherent banter. No sluts running up and down the main drag "woooo"-ing and laughing, repeatedly saying, "OH my GAWWWDDDD... I'm not ever THAT drunk". It's sad that that used to be my own lullaby to fall asleep to.