Sorry for the ZZZzzzs

IT'S BEEN A WHILE. And since March things have gotten pretty wild. Pretty crazy. Pretty spontaneous and pretty fun. It's too gorgeous to sit inside and write or scan film so here's the Readers Digest version of my life: -SF trip with Jaber -Coachella weekends -Rolling Stone, Vice, Jenny Lewis and Filter Magazine pool parties -Lunch with Riccardo Tisci (Creative Director for Givenchy for '99-'05) -Cutting out diary ... which SUCKS when I'm craving burritos or tacos :/ -Went blonde -Growing out the roots and rocking it Kurt Cobain style -12 new records I can't wait to listen to -Opportunities for new job openings after my contract goes up -Traveling on the horizon -Good food -Amazing friends -New experiences -Fun adventures. It's all about the journey. I'll update in full detail once this tan evens out.

The Truth About Living The Dream.

It would be a a safe bet to say I dove in head first. Into shark infested territory... blindly. I knew nothing about the fashion world. I knew nothing about the business. I had no idea how to create call sheets. I couldn't tell you the difference between a 7b & 8 pro air. Shooting tethered- what's that? I didn't know shit about shit. All I knew was I could A) stay in my comfy apartment, with my comfy part time job in sales, finish my degree and play in the San Francisco which is where I called home for the past 5 years. OR B) Take a chance- and move my whole life in 10 days, 485 miles away, where I knew one person, and work my ass off.

I had no idea what working under a contract would entail. Yes. I got to work exclusively with Australian Vogue, Nylon, I assisted in shoots with Rolling Stone, GQ, and Esquire. I was second shooter for a cover shoot. It was all fun. It was all new. It was glamorous. I was behind the camera, or on set. I didn't know that my 210 page contract entailed working 75 hours a week on 1 campaign. I had no idea it took 3 months to work a full campaign for a certain Italian couture brand. I had no idea sometimes it would require me to be bumped up to project manager.. in charge of 120 people in 4 different countries. I had no idea how to actually delegate. I didn't know I'd be living in a life full of color coded spreadsheets and calendars. I literally at one point had to make a color code for "FUN" for when I had a break (and of course, it was highlighted in pink. During the months of working the campaign I saw less and less of pink...) I didn't know that I couldn't turn my phone off. I would have emails sent to me all points of the day and night. It doesn't matter if it's 2 am over here, because in Italy or Spain it was the end of their work day and I was getting emails after emails on daily reports. Text messages from 5am-1am asking for approval on equipment check outs, call sheets, ad copy updates. I didn't know how consistently inconsistent this life would be. I didn't know how inconsistent work would be in the photo world. I could work 10 hours on week, and 90 hours the next. It wouldn't matter- I still would receive x amount at the end of the month.

I thought I'd be comfortable. When I was basically just getting by. The long hours and my stress level versus the number on my paycheck did not add up. I would relish when I could have possibly 3-5 hours of sleep. My search history was filled with makeup review sites looking for the best under-eye cream and foundation for dark circles because it was inevitable. They were there. And they were staying. I wanted to make it look like I had my shit together when honestly I'd find myself sitting in my car on 60 thinking, "I really don't know what the HELL I'm doing. How the hell am I even pulling this shit off?". I literally learned to talk, walk, and twirl all at once. With no supervision. School did not prepare me for this. And it didn't prepare me for the pace. EVERYTHING was so fast. I found myself asking every question possible because I may not be able to speak to that person again regarding a shoot. I tried REALLY hard not to ask the same question twice. And I learned above all else don't you dare assume or say, "I thought". Because "I thought" turns into incompetence and incompetence leads you to the door.

Some nights I would come home.. exhausted. Drop my gear off in a pile in the living room. Grab my dog. sit in my bathtub and just cry. Not because I was sad, just because I felt I had been torn in every direction. I would give my all to my boss, to my colleagues, to people over the phone, speaking in my broken italian trying desperately to communicate that the 6 page PDF file was no longer valid because the art director threw out the entire concept. I had no other emotion left in me. SO I just cried.

I estimated while working as a studio manager, within the 1,720 hours of hellish work, stress, communication, concept boards, calendar management, from shoot scheduling to post production, deadlines, sample organization, booking & scheduling & confirming models, department meetings, product preparation, coordinating team members to caterers, to stylists, to makeup artists, conference calls, shooting, editing & print work.... about 3% of it was the glamour. The glamorous part I had only known for the first 3 months assisting before I moved out here. Because my job was to assist on the shoot. I never knew I'd be working behind the scenes. Creating the concept and making sure it came to full fruition. And without any flaws with the finished product.

I needed a second job. As demanding as my main job was, I couldn't live with waiting for a paycheck at the end of the month. I somehow fell into PR. And I loved every second of it. I realized I was great at my job, and was successful at it too. I made an unbelievable amount of contacts. And after 7 months, I was told, "we're going in a different direction." I was basically only told to do ABC and got let go because of XYZ. I've never been let go before. I've never felt so many mixed emotions over a "job". Because I realized this wasn't a career move. It was to pay my bills. And to help me not go crazy on the days where I'd only be working in the studio 3 hours a day. ANd just like that. Gone...
Literally 5 hours later of being let go I ended up in Beverly Hills, working a record label launch party through contacts I had made.
It made me realize even when I have no control of my life.. I have to just sit back and look at it as steps. Just steps towards something bigger. Because everything happens for a reason. I might try my hardest to figure out what the reason is before I'm meant to .. but I just blame that on my tenacious character.



I thought I would move out here, live the life, go to fabulous parties, make amazing friends, have that "art circle" I was used to in San Francisco, take a billion photographs, catch up on my portfolio, possibly work some shows, work hard, and find my purpose, or at least figure out my career path. In the past 8 months I've:
-Gone to some fabulous parties
-Made a few, great friends I will always cherish
-Not found my niche
-Have taken aprox. 30 photographs
-Haven't touched my portfolio
-Have gone to some shows, not worked them
-Have worked extremely hard. Like blood, sweat, tears and more blood type hard
-And I've figured out basically what I DONT want to do with my life.

I've learned I'm better than a contract, and deserve to be on salary. I've learned the real meaning of a disco nap. I've become a red bull fanatic. I've contemplated the thought of narcotics just to give me more hours in the day (jokingly. partially). I've learned that a lot of tears (in the privacy of your own home and or bathroom) goes into a glamorous lifestyle. I've learned that music has the power to truly save someone. I've learned the real meaning of priorities. I've learned the difference between wanting and needing. I've learned why PR girls and girls in the fashion world are so skinny. I've also learned why the majority are so bitchy. I've learned to appreciate every opportunity. And I've learned your destiny never waits for it to be convenient for you. And when it comes crashing on top of you like a wave coming out of no where- you bet your ass you'll be toppled over. But as long as you get up and ride with the next wave you can't appreciate falling down because then you're finally able to stand up.

Starting to fall in love with Video + Final Cut Pro

Bits of my life and the people I love. from AmandaMichellePhoto on Vimeo.

Throughout the past year I have been continually blessed with such amazing opportunities and amazing friends.

Each clip holds a special meaning to me and not even the musical genius of Jonsi can give these moments any justice.

I spent this summer driving 6,000 miles back and forth from my home, San Francisco to Los Angeles, where I eventually got a job working in an amazing photo studio. Along the way I took as many people as I could in my car to spend as much time as I could because I think deep down I knew I'd be leaving what I have been calling home for the past four years.

From San Francisco, to Reno,NV., to Yucca Valley, to Borrego Springs, to Palm Springs, to Los Angeles, I've made some of the best memories ever. And I hope that through my visual medium it can help express how much I love my life, and the people in it.

I can't even express

My surprise from everything that has happened in the past few weeks.
The way my life has been has been nothing short but exciting, and close to almost perfect.
I had a taste of what it was like to be published working in ad copy. I figured I have a true talent in PR, and working through different media ventures for product advertisement. I have gone to seven different art shows. Made amazing new contacts and some awesome friends.

I went into work Thursday morning, leaving my consistent 10-6 job. At 3pm that day I found myself working in Los Angeles for Opus Label's launch party. I felt that even though one door was suddenly slammed in my face, another opened instantly.

I've found myself contemplating my life goals. My half way mark through my contract with the studio has passed and I still wonder where the hell I'll be in the next few months. What does the world have in store for me? What photographs will be made? What places will I go and who will ultimately be in my life?

Questions. Pondering. Many things running wild in my mind. We'll just see.

I thought there was light at the end

However, it seems it was just a train.
I feel that there is just this huge wave of life, complications, and work has just crashed upon me.
I think this is what being a big kid is like.
I don't like it.
I just want to hide under my covers and sleep. Just five more minutes..

"You don't want gloves...?"

"Well I mean it's not that cold..yeah?"
These were the last words I remember. Everything after was just a blur...
When I woke up that morning I didnt think I would be so stressed, shooting five different shoots in the same location. With four different models. Twelve different outfits. Five different pairs of shoes. Glitter. Seven necklaces. Eight-teen rings. And I was slowly losing sun.

I had been shooting just to shoot all day. But I had planned a specific shoot, for weeks now. He rode up in his vintage cafe racer motorcycle. I never got what people found so sexy about motorcycles. I now get it.

Altercations, misunderstandings and ultimately, losing the shot I had been waiting all day for put me into a pretty upset mood. However.. the tables turned when he asked if I wanted to ride home with him on his bike. For months since we've known each other I would always make fun of him for spending hours in his garage fixing all these different bikes. I'd try my best to emasculate his process by calling them, "vroom vrooms". I take it all back now.

Our director was giving me the readers digest version of how to ride bitch on a bike. "Follow through. Move with him. Hold close to his stomach" all of which made no sense in my head I was still trying to process everything in my head that I was about to ride my first motorcycle. With him. In the middle of the desert. During the sunset. Honestly. It couldn't get any more perfect.

I won't lie. I screamed my lungs out while riding for the first two seconds. The rev of the engine made the bike jump a little. I wasn't expecting so much jerking. So much leaning and being pulled forward with every break. Thank god I wore a long shirt and was able to borrow a huge oversized jacket so my low cute jeans wouldn't be exposing my ass for the world to see.
To be honest, I wish I had on a cuter outfit for my first motorcycle experience. I had a huge orange helmet that belonged to our director (who had JUST gone ATV'ing and happened to have a helmet in his car), an oversized camel jacket who's owner is a good 5'11''. And skinny jeans and some slouched boots.

All I remember is hearing my heart beat faster and faster. No way was this guy going the speed limit. He swears to this day it just "seems faster on a bike"... I call bullshit. None the less I expect nothing less and want nothing more. To go fast.

Possibly the best fifteen minutes of my life in a long time. The ride home seemed to take forever. swirving in and out of cars into different lanes, almost getting hit by a semi, and being cut off by a truck. I felt like I was in a movie. It was THAT good.

We arrived back to his place and I just fell to the ground. My legs felt like jello. My thighs were warm from the bike, and my body was clinched the whole time because I couldn't make up my mind if I was scared or excited the whole entire time. He just laughed and asked if I was alright. Fuckin A I'm alright. The only words that managed to leave my mouth were, "Just.. give me a minute.. I think I just O'd". Is it possible to have an orgasm without intercourse? In my mind motorcycles just got that much more awesome. And he got that much more sexier.

It honestly took me a few hours to recover. Physically and mentally.

We had a table reservation for 20. Whiskey. Desert bands. A lot of laughs. And a lot of hugs. I couldn't help but feel this was slowly becoming to feel natural. Like something I had been missing so much from home. I loved every moment. And I honestly love being able to capture bits and pieces of moments through my camera. Because they will be mine. Forever.

The three of us ran out the doors of Pappy's & Harriets. Walked around the old movie sets. I grabbed his leather jacket and wore it. He told me not to lay down but I did anyway. The sky is so much closer to you out there. The stars are more noticeable. Never in my life did I know so many stars existed. We looked up and talked about future trips to San Francisco. About how fun it is to be buzzed and outside in nature- enjoying life.

On the car ride home there were beats booming inside the car making my heart pump a little more faster than I thought it should. Dancing. Singing. Throwing your head out the window and yelling just because you can. This is friendship. This is living in the moment. This. Was. So. Real.
We looked to the left, driving down 62 and saw the hugest, most orange moon we've ever seen. Many a times I've seen the sun rise. I've seen my share of gorgeous sunsets. But in one night, I saw possibly the best sunset of my life. Hours later followed by my first Moon rise. We were suddenly quiet. Just staring at this huge moon. The music down shifted on our iPod at the perfect moment. "Trust Fall" by Madi Diaz playing softly in the background as if it were the perfect soundtrack to that moment. Within seconds the Moon that looked as if it were the size of an orange it was so close to us, became small, high up in the sky.

Moments like this make me just fall in love with life. And it makes me realize how lucky I am.

By my standards

I feel like I can't really do any better. This past week has been nothing but amazing surprises, realizations, and introductions to many new things in my life.

My birthday came by saying good bye to my first friend I made out here in Palm Springs. Moving on to bigger and better things in his life and chasing his dreams in Los Angeles. It was bitter sweet... until after bar number 3 on Christmas Eve... and maybe five or six birthday shots later.. it just became.. fun.
Dinner downtown with my mom, and late night munchies with my friends out in Rancho Mirage. Running down El Paseo in Palm Desert, laughing, and singing Elton John at the top of your lungs is something I needed in my life. I was surrounded by white lights, window shopping, a spiked hot cocoa and a few good people.

Christmas morning came with a trip to Borrego Springs and ahhh. A spa. Three hours of massages, facials, reflexology and mani pedi time. Come on! It can't get any better... right?
Wrong. On our way back home we grabbed my dog, a few CDs and some fashion magazines. A two hour drive to Huntington Beach to see my wife, the Pacific Ocean. Randomly ran into a good friend of mine from San Francisco. Shared an espresso, and talked about life after school. He's studying for his MFA in Photography, and is one of the best one on one talkers I know. There are moments where I feel he really dives into you when he speaks. I feel that he might be too afraid to put himself out there fully, might be his ex-frat boy days stopping him. He's a total wild card and I love going out with him. Always a fun time. Usually a lot of drinks. And theres always good music and dancing involved.

Grabbed tacos (is there anything better than a christmas taco on the beach? I think not), and walked our way down the strip. Found a Dog Beach, and gave Gus the play time of his life. He made a girlfriend, Stella, the French Bulldog. He ran laps around dobermans, and boxers. He pounced on retrievers and.. got very very wet.

I came home later that evening to opening more presents. Low and behold. The only thing I asked for this year- a juicer! My life.. has changed. There's something extremely therapeutic by making your own juice. I've found a new appreciation for carrot juice. And I swear to god I will never buy a $5 bottle of orange juice ever again. Noted- 5 oranges makes 2 days worth of OJ. Pretty good deal. I'll never look back!
What I like about it also is I just FEEL good after drinking fresh juice. I can't wait to find fun, new recipes for juice. I found one for a mango, orange, carrot and blueberry juice.. I'm thinking I'll be spending more time at the Farmers Market.

I spent Monday night with Jaber. SO happy to have him in my life. Seriously such a good friend and all around fun person to be around with. We ended up at Kimi and shared a large bottle of saki, had some of the best sushi of my life, and were pleasantly surprised by a mutual friend of ours showing up. I tried my first muscle, which I have to say wasn't as bad as i thought it'd be. I got happily buzzed, and heated up from the outside, desert cold. We shared conversations on our up coming trip to San Francisco, music, favorite foods, and current love interests. There really is something truly beautiful to be able to speak to someone of the opposite sex about your interests, with knowing there are no judgements, no biased opinions, and having someone who will really listen to you- not just wait for their turn to talk.

Work has been killing me.. but I'm saving up for my week in New York. And I'm already getting the next three days off. Not too shabby. I'm enjoying working with the PR aspect of my job. I'm also enjoying the fact I'm still employed since we lost 3 people this past month. Knock on wood.

Off to hike with my dog. And just simply enjoy my life. You should too.