Amanda Michelle Photo Blog

"You don't want gloves...?"

2012-01-21T12:06:00.001-08:00

"Well I mean it's not that cold..yeah?"
These were the last words I remember. Everything after was just a blur...
When I woke up that morning I didnt think I would be so stressed, shooting five different shoots in the same location. With four different models. Twelve different outfits. Five different pairs of shoes. Glitter. Seven necklaces. Eight-teen rings. And I was slowly losing sun.

I had been shooting just to shoot all day. But I had planned a specific shoot, for weeks now. He rode up in his vintage cafe racer motorcycle. I never got what people found so sexy about motorcycles. I now get it.

Altercations, misunderstandings and ultimately, losing the shot I had been waiting all day for put me into a pretty upset mood. However.. the tables turned when he asked if I wanted to ride home with him on his bike. For months since we've known each other I would always make fun of him for spending hours in his garage fixing all these different bikes. I'd try my best to emasculate his process by calling them, "vroom vrooms". I take it all back now.

Our director was giving me the readers digest version of how to ride bitch on a bike. "Follow through. Move with him. Hold close to his stomach" all of which made no sense in my head I was still trying to process everything in my head that I was about to ride my first motorcycle. With him. In the middle of the desert. During the sunset. Honestly. It couldn't get any more perfect.

I won't lie. I screamed my lungs out while riding for the first two seconds. The rev of the engine made the bike jump a little. I wasn't expecting so much jerking. So much leaning and being pulled forward with every break. Thank god I wore a long shirt and was able to borrow a huge oversized jacket so my low cute jeans wouldn't be exposing my ass for the world to see.
To be honest, I wish I had on a cuter outfit for my first motorcycle experience. I had a huge orange helmet that belonged to our director (who had JUST gone ATV'ing and happened to have a helmet in his car), an oversized camel jacket who's owner is a good 5'11''. And skinny jeans and some slouched boots.

All I remember is hearing my heart beat faster and faster. No way was this guy going the speed limit. He swears to this day it just "seems faster on a bike"... I call bullshit. None the less I expect nothing less and want nothing more. To go fast.

Possibly the best fifteen minutes of my life in a long time. The ride home seemed to take forever. swirving in and out of cars into different lanes, almost getting hit by a semi, and being cut off by a truck. I felt like I was in a movie. It was THAT good.

We arrived back to his place and I just fell to the ground. My legs felt like jello. My thighs were warm from the bike, and my body was clinched the whole time because I couldn't make up my mind if I was scared or excited the whole entire time. He just laughed and asked if I was alright. Fuckin A I'm alright. The only words that managed to leave my mouth were, "Just.. give me a minute.. I think I just O'd". Is it possible to have an orgasm without intercourse? In my mind motorcycles just got that much more awesome. And he got that much more sexier.

It honestly took me a few hours to recover. Physically and mentally.

We had a table reservation for 20. Whiskey. Desert bands. A lot of laughs. And a lot of hugs. I couldn't help but feel this was slowly becoming to feel natural. Like something I had been missing so much from home. I loved every moment. And I honestly love being able to capture bits and pieces of moments through my camera. Because they will be mine. Forever.

The three of us ran out the doors of Pappy's & Harriets. Walked around the old movie sets. I grabbed his leather jacket and wore it. He told me not to lay down but I did anyway. The sky is so much closer to you out there. The stars are more noticeable. Never in my life did I know so many stars existed. We looked up and talked about future trips to San Francisco. About how fun it is to be buzzed and outside in nature- enjoying life.

On the car ride home there were beats booming inside the car making my heart pump a little more faster than I thought it should. Dancing. Singing. Throwing your head out the window and yelling just because you can. This is friendship. This is living in the moment. This. Was. So. Real.
We looked to the left, driving down 62 and saw the hugest, most orange moon we've ever seen. Many a times I've seen the sun rise. I've seen my share of gorgeous sunsets. But in one night, I saw possibly the best sunset of my life. Hours later followed by my first Moon rise. We were suddenly quiet. Just staring at this huge moon. The music down shifted on our iPod at the perfect moment. "Trust Fall" by Madi Diaz playing softly in the background as if it were the perfect soundtrack to that moment. Within seconds the Moon that looked as if it were the size of an orange it was so close to us, became small, high up in the sky.

Moments like this make me just fall in love with life. And it makes me realize how lucky I am.

By my standards

2011-12-30T10:21:00.000-08:00

I feel like I can't really do any better. This past week has been nothing but amazing surprises, realizations, and introductions to many new things in my life.

My birthday came by saying good bye to my first friend I made out here in Palm Springs. Moving on to bigger and better things in his life and chasing his dreams in Los Angeles. It was bitter sweet... until after bar number 3 on Christmas Eve... and maybe five or six birthday shots later.. it just became.. fun.
Dinner downtown with my mom, and late night munchies with my friends out in Rancho Mirage. Running down El Paseo in Palm Desert, laughing, and singing Elton John at the top of your lungs is something I needed in my life. I was surrounded by white lights, window shopping, a spiked hot cocoa and a few good people.

Christmas morning came with a trip to Borrego Springs and ahhh. A spa. Three hours of massages, facials, reflexology and mani pedi time. Come on! It can't get any better... right?
Wrong. On our way back home we grabbed my dog, a few CDs and some fashion magazines. A two hour drive to Huntington Beach to see my wife, the Pacific Ocean. Randomly ran into a good friend of mine from San Francisco. Shared an espresso, and talked about life after school. He's studying for his MFA in Photography, and is one of the best one on one talkers I know. There are moments where I feel he really dives into you when he speaks. I feel that he might be too afraid to put himself out there fully, might be his ex-frat boy days stopping him. He's a total wild card and I love going out with him. Always a fun time. Usually a lot of drinks. And theres always good music and dancing involved.

Grabbed tacos (is there anything better than a christmas taco on the beach? I think not), and walked our way down the strip. Found a Dog Beach, and gave Gus the play time of his life. He made a girlfriend, Stella, the French Bulldog. He ran laps around dobermans, and boxers. He pounced on retrievers and.. got very very wet.

I came home later that evening to opening more presents. Low and behold. The only thing I asked for this year- a juicer! My life.. has changed. There's something extremely therapeutic by making your own juice. I've found a new appreciation for carrot juice. And I swear to god I will never buy a $5 bottle of orange juice ever again. Noted- 5 oranges makes 2 days worth of OJ. Pretty good deal. I'll never look back!
What I like about it also is I just FEEL good after drinking fresh juice. I can't wait to find fun, new recipes for juice. I found one for a mango, orange, carrot and blueberry juice.. I'm thinking I'll be spending more time at the Farmers Market.

I spent Monday night with Jaber. SO happy to have him in my life. Seriously such a good friend and all around fun person to be around with. We ended up at Kimi and shared a large bottle of saki, had some of the best sushi of my life, and were pleasantly surprised by a mutual friend of ours showing up. I tried my first muscle, which I have to say wasn't as bad as i thought it'd be. I got happily buzzed, and heated up from the outside, desert cold. We shared conversations on our up coming trip to San Francisco, music, favorite foods, and current love interests. There really is something truly beautiful to be able to speak to someone of the opposite sex about your interests, with knowing there are no judgements, no biased opinions, and having someone who will really listen to you- not just wait for their turn to talk.

Work has been killing me.. but I'm saving up for my week in New York. And I'm already getting the next three days off. Not too shabby. I'm enjoying working with the PR aspect of my job. I'm also enjoying the fact I'm still employed since we lost 3 people this past month. Knock on wood.

Off to hike with my dog. And just simply enjoy my life. You should too.

What are you hungry for?

2011-12-27T11:14:00.000-08:00

I'm hungry for art.
I'm hungry for laughter.
I'm hungry for love.
Not the kind of love for your friends, or your dog, or your family.
I'm hungry for the I love life because I live in it with a certain person-can't stop thinking about you- kinda love.
I'm hungry for music to fill my life and soul.
I'm hungry for living a life where perfection isn't something to strive for.
I'm hungry for a new language.
I'm hungry for late nights and early mornings.
I'm hungry for new architecture.
I'm hungry for new design.
I'm hungry for new photographs.
I'm hungry for dreams.

Time to breathe.

2011-12-18T09:07:00.001-08:00

I finished this semester off on a good note. I finished my paper, I got a 48/50 on my written test and a 199/200 on my exam. Couldn't be happier. All this worry is off my shoulders.
I just felt too anxious. I kept putting it off and finally just had to throw my hands up and tackle it.

I feel like I've been finding the most mundane things in my life to get excited over-
I got happy when I received mail. Someone told me I did a good job on our last photo shoot and I just wanted to hug them for just acknowledging the fact I put my all into it. I made flan last night for the first time in 10 months and it was.. the best thing ever.
And out of pure curiosity I tried on my skinny jeans that have been hiding in my dresser for two years. Oh snap. They fit.

I found myself making last minute plans with an old co worker from LA who was in Palm Springs for the weekend last night and ended up at Spencers. It felt like even though we were in the middle of the desert, we were still laughing and drinking like we were back in LA. The best last minute, midnight booze sesh.

I feel now that even though I'm slammed with work from now until Feb., I have so much free time with that one class under my belt. There are a lot of roads and options I want to pursue, so we'll see. A lot of places I want to go. A lot of mini roadtrips to take my dog on.

This weather is really making me home sick. All the fog and cold. Makes a girl miss it.

A time for reflection

2011-12-15T14:32:00.000-08:00

Jim in our room at Ace Hotel in palm Springs. The beginning of my journey

I woke up this morning quite early. But I honestly can't complain. I went out the night before and sincerely and truly enjoyed myself. For once I left my phone on silent. I had some drinks. I laughed. I stumbled on my words out of nervousness. Leading into butterflies in my stomach. Which led to rambling. I need to stop doing that. I do it far too often. Which is why I think I'm still single. I just talk too much haha. I wasn't worried about work. I wasn't making lists in my head of what needs to be done. What has to be finished at the studio. What errands need to be run. The deadline of my exam and paper (all within the next 48 hours so now it's really crunch time). I simply enjoyed myself. I enjoyed being in the presence of a really great person. And for once in a really long time I let myself go with no expectations and had one of the best nights in a long time.

I woke up to horrible whiskey breath (why the hell didn't I brush my teeth? Embarrassing), a tiny head ache a cold apartment and four blankets that I then hibernated under for another three hours. I spent the last hour and a half just listening to Pandora on my phone. Listening to acoustic songs and raspy voices sing of loss, love, heartache, and new beginnings. I feel this has thrown me and tossed me around. But in a really good way. I started my year out in the desert. And I'm ending it in an entirely different desert. And I've gained a whole new concept of what independence fully is. I've created this plan of how I wanted my life to lead. And opportunities came up that have changed my life for the better. I've gotten in trouble, but it led to really good things, and making me fight my own battles, and respecting myself for taking care of business. I've gone from someone who would go out 5-6 nights a week, boozing and schmoozing, to rarely even taking a night out to have fun and work a job I literally walked into; I knew nothing about how to run a studio. I didn't know about the photography world outside of school. I didn't know about the business. And here I am now, juggling a professional job at a professional studio, going to school online and working a fun job planning events and parties.

I've grown up a lot this year. Not that I'm all work and no play. Trust. I still like to play.

Globally, this year has been one huge revolution after another. I'm a part of history. I've witnessed amazing things this year. I've experienced amazing things. I've seen so many concerts and shows and raves. I've put a good 7,000 miles on my car. I've made friends all over California, Nevada, Oregon, and New York this year. I've taken so many photographs. I am honestly living such a good life. I really feel like great things are coming. And I welcome them with open arms.

And I woke up

2011-11-08T00:49:00.000-08:00

To the gloomy, grey clouds peaking through my windows. My dog curled up not even an inch away from my stomach. My stomach growling for food. My eyes not wanting to open. I think pulling the covers over my head will change the fact that I need to be to work in the next half hour.
I love what I do and I do what I love. I feel though, I'm not in the right spot to do it all. I can never be fucking satisfied. It's never good enough. I have an amazing job. An amazing boss. A great place, in a good neighborhood. But I bitch about not knowing anyone. I want a boyfriend. Or a designated snuggle buddy. The winter months always put me in a more romantic mood.
My life has consisted of tea. New amazing shoes. Yummy reading. And of course, Sufjan Stevens. I would really like to see him play. It's one of those concerts I feel I will never see in my life time. But would love to. I have to live and love the magic and musical genius through Vimeo and Youtube I guess...

I'll be home in San Francisco in two weeks. Extremely happy to be surrounded by friends. Even more happy about being able to see certain people. And to sit on my rooftop, drinking tea for possibly the last time. Looking out over downtown. I've lived an exciting, fun, life. I need to always remember this.

Where you want to be.

2011-10-21T16:26:00.000-07:00

I've done a lot in these past few months.
I've taken photos.
I've learned to only eat when I'm hungry.
I've found a whole new love for running.
I've learned I never want to live anywhere without a pool.
I've learned I don't ever want to live so far from an ocean.
I've played in the sand.
I've seen some amazing bands.
I've fallen in love. With yerba mate.
I've written a lot.
I made one new friend.
I've learned the beauty of music. And how it really does save your soul.
I've become a tad obsessed with shopping for vintage and first edition books.
I've found an appreciation for my job.
I've found an alternate route to take to San Diego.
I've put up curtains. All by myself.
I've paid my first bills.
I've made some money.
I decided my next trip will be to Indonesia and possibly Fiji. This year.
I've cooked a lot... Actually almost every meal has been a cooked meal by yours truly.
I've watched some really good movies.
I've watched some really bad movies.
I'm sure there's more.
I just don't feel like typing anymore

Nothing original. Just a song I love and a photo from last semester.

2011-10-17T21:08:00.000-07:00

Some are reachin' few are there
Want to reign from a hero's chair
Some are scared to fly so high
Well this is how we have to try

Have no envy and no fear
Have no envy and no fear

Brother brother we all see
Your hiding out so painfully
See yourself come out to play
A lover's rain will wash away

Your envy and your fear
So have no envy and no fear

When your sister turns to leave
Only when she's most in need
Take away the cause of pain
By showing her we're all the same

Have no envy and no fear
Have no envy and no fear

Every day we try to find
Search our hearts and in our minds
The place we used to call our home
Can't be found when we're alone

So have no envy and no fear
Have no envy and no fear

"Come on Skinny Love.."

2011-10-16T23:27:00.000-07:00

There are some songs that are so gorgeous that it really is a shame they are only 3 minutes and forty three seconds long. I wonder how meditating that must be, to be able to write a song. I've been blessed to play any song I hear by ear. But I can't for the life of me create a song. I've tried it trust me. On piano. Guitar. Cello. It just won't happen for me. I really have a full appreciation for artists to create a truly beautiful song. Both lyrical and musically.

I spent an amazing weekend to myself. Running and walking a total of 14 miles in the desert and from my place to downtown and back with Gus. There was a fun motorcycle rally throughout the weekend. I leave my windows in my bedroom open at night so I don't have to have the AC on and hear that incessant hum sound. It was nice waking up to the sun and hearing the loud roar of motorcycles coming off the 111 right outside my front yard. I think I'm just desperate to hear any type of noise. I've grown too accustomed to the sound of sirens, people screaming, "I'm going to FUCKING KILL YOU". There are no glass bottles smashing outside my windows. No homeless, incoherent banter. No sluts running up and down the main drag "woooo"-ing and laughing, repeatedly saying, "OH my GAWWWDDDD... I'm not ever THAT drunk". It's sad that that used to be my own lullaby to fall asleep to.

As if it needed to be more complicated.

2011-10-15T15:15:00.000-07:00

To say I'm the conductor of my life and can safely take myself form point A to point B would be such a lie. No one has ultimate control over their life. Or life.. the universe.. in general.
But for some reason I always feel like challenging this. I know. I have experiences in the past that have proved to me even if I try to direct my way through life, it never turns out how it's originally planned. It's not that I don't accept it. But I just don't see why I still find myself challenging this. What am I trying to prove?

I feel that things lately have been slowly dismantled. I feel like I'm caring less and less. I don't now why. It's nothing like me. I was three days late paying my electric bill. I'm NEVER that careless. It's not that I'm too busy. It's not that I'm taking work home. My sleep schedule isn't off the rails. I'm eating healthy, and exercising two times a day. So what's going on? Seriously though, the day I start worrying over a fucking bill... might just be the day I do myself in.
There are too many things in life too beautiful to be hindered by small things like this. And I always feel there's this .. higher consciousness that I'm aware of mentally... but lose grasp of it. And get too held up in the every day problems that plague me. "Remember to drop off/pick up laundry". "I want to sleep in. But if I sleep in there will be more traffic. Putting me in a bad mood. Making me late for work. Making me listen to some dumbass give me a spiel on how it's 'disrespectful' to show up late". "Did I leave the stove on?". "Should I really use the A/C right now?"... These questions and thoughts won't have any huge significance for me one year from now.. five years from now. So why do I bother with it?

I'm still trying to figure out why the fuck I moved out here. Without a degree. Without knowing anyone. Without the slightest idea of what this job asked for. I'm twenty fucking two years old. Once again I feel like I'm trying to grow up too much. Gotta get that big girl job. Gotta pay that rent. Be self sufficient. All.. for the better understanding of how the real world works? To have a great career so I can wake up in the morning and say "I love my job" instead of "I hate my job"?... I don't know. Usually I can see a path that starts to form from the basis of my decisions I make.. but to be honest- I don't see this going anywhere. Not in a depressing "I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel" type of way.. just.. I feel it's I stay here and keep working. Work hard. Make contacts... but I don't see how Grad School and opening my own gallery (which has been my ultimate goal for the past two years) fits in here. Or I go back home. With amazing experience under my belt.. And figure out my next move? I feel that this move... I don't know if you can say it's a move. Because when I think of "moving"- you take all your shit. You put it somewhere else. To set up in a different location. Classic me.. I still have 2 boxes of essentials in a closet hiding in San Francisco. I have mounds of clothes and journals, filled with art, poems, short stories and essays hidden in my room in San Jose at my mom's house. I have camera's and chemicals in a garage in San Jose. I haven't really fully moved. Maybe because I just don't want to leave completely. But I feel this.. relocating.. it's not a definite ending point. I don't feel it's a beginning to a new chapter either... I'm feeling lost as to where this part of my life is taking me. I'm down for the journey. Just a little scared. I'm human though. Of course I'm scared of something new.

Es por eso que yo no quiero salir. Es por eso que yo no quiero salir.

2011-09-25T13:09:00.000-07:00

I never thought moving to a small city would be such a hassle.
Cops are pulling me over for no reason at all.
Everything closes at 9 or 10.
Not many people are open to being photographed.
But I'm going to keep pushing through.
I went to Niland yesterday and saw the most amazing ruins.
I've been there many times before but this time I finally had an idea/concept.
All I need is to go shopping now and find 5-9 little kids whose parents don't mind them being photographed there.

I've been shooting a lot as well. I just need to find access to a dark room out here in the desert.
I really miss my friends.
And I really miss my family.
And I miss school.
I miss being able to walk four blocks in any direction and being able to go to a gallery.
I have to make appointments to go into most galleries out here.
I guess that's the perk of when I work in LA- I can check some galleries out there.
I still feel I haven't found me niche. My thing, out here.
~~Maybe I just need to focus on my job and work and less on me?~~
Nope. Me is first. I just need to figure out my thing..

You are loved.

2011-09-07T15:47:00.000-07:00

And you aren't alone.
Do what you love and love what you do.
Open your mind, heart, and arms to something new and exciting.
Make some money but don't let money make you.
Achieve your best possible potential as a human, living being.
Share your memories.
Leave your mark.

Los Angeles.

2011-08-02T12:19:00.000-07:00

I don't know what I'm getting myself into. Either I will succeed greatly.. or fail tremendously. I feel with this opportunity and at this level there is no in between. I hate being in between anyways.

What the fuck is wrong with me. I'm literally shaking. Not like.. crack head shaking. But I'm nervous. Jittery. Hahah I'm such a mess.

A lot of things have been going through my mind lately. Looking at where I was a year ago last year to where I am now. I had so many ups and a lot of downs. I've made great decisions and I've made bad ones. I've learned a lot about myself. I've grown as a human being as well as a photographer. I've found the beauty in life again. Things have been really good. I still have lingering heart ache and jumbled thoughts in my head.. but these are times when we grow.

From San Diego, to Los Angeles, to Reno, to San Francisco, to Palm Springs, to Yucca Valley...

2011-08-01T16:59:00.000-07:00

To say I'm overwhelmed is an understatement. But the more I have to sit and think, the more I feel content with the decisions I'm making. It's all happening to fast and pretty much over night. I just hope I don't end up burning up in flames.

I feel I need this change. I have no ties holding me back. And I have nothing to stay here for. I need a change of scenery. I need to wake up and feel inspired again and I hope that this is just a big change that will bring positive outcomes.

I've been looking at a lot of online magazines and spreads. Never in my life have I been so excited about editorial and fashion. Never in my life have I had so many ideas in my head..

Big decisions. Big transitions.

2011-07-26T14:52:00.000-07:00

Nobody ever said this was easy. Nobody ever said growing up wasn't complicated. Nobody said your destiny will call you
And change for you when it's convenient for you.

We'll see how much this city has left for me.

Let Go.

2011-07-20T00:05:00.000-07:00

He told me he had never seen 'Garden State'. I freaked the hell out. HOW can you not see this film? This film was my whole. My being. Being sixteen was this film. Every quote, every song on that soundtrack I fully resonated with.

I kept going on about how great the film was and suddenly realized maybe it was just me. This film presented itself and was a coming of age moment for me because I made it personal. Maybe it wouldn't be personal to him. Maybe it would be just another film. With a really amazing soundtrack. Of songs I'm sure he's heard before.

I remember everything exactly from first seeing this film in the theater. My best friend Mandii and I went during the middle of the day. It was only playing at the indie theater and it made it even better; we thought we were such cool kids. Every song was new to me. It filled me up..literally. I could feel my soul fill up with every note strummed and picked on an acoustic guitar that fully supported each scene in the film. My laughter was full and innocent and genuine with every line that constantly reminded me of how "real" the situations were. How I knew people that would say such outrageous things at such innapropriate times. How homes really looked like Sam's home. How my mom was exactly like that mom. How dogs will just go and hump strangers legs. AFter seeing the film i was instantly inspired and felt an actual sense of beauty. It sounds so lame but it's true.
It was in early September or November.. But the last scene when they finally kiss.. The scene foes to black and the credits fade in and out. The song "Let Go" by Frou Frou plays just a bit louder than any other song in the movie which just sinks into you. Fading slowly as they kiss and a sudden rush of music and slight intensity of volume awakened me from my 96 minute escape from the world.
Mandii and I walked out of the theater and the song was still dancing in my head. The sky seemed more blue. The red and orange and yellow leaves of the trees trickled down with dollops of 4'oclock autumn sun bursting through the branches. This film opened my eyes. To the possibility of true love. To the conclusion that I didn't have to be someone anybody else wanted me to be. Because being sixteen is so awkward and confusing- who the hell knows what self realization is at sixteen? I could be weird or quirky or loud and say and do what I wanted. It was a little existential to say the least. Maybe it was a tiny epiphany- it sounds so dumb but I realized I could just..be..Me. Everything from that week on was so beautiful. And it's because I found the beauty in it. And I appreciated it all full heartedly.

The film finally played. An hour of techinical difficulties made me think the possibility of watching this film and sharing it with someone I enjoyed and care about was not going to happen. But it did. The universe wanted us to enjoy it. With dinner fully eaten and a half a bottle of wine to share between us I thought "a perfect way to end this half of my business trip, and my trip here in the desert". Constant interruptions and texting distracted him from the film. Honestly I wasn't upset or annoyed. Which in any other case I would be a tad put off.. but I wasn't. I got it. He apologized but there was no reason in my mind that he needed to. Maybe this film wasn't meant to be shared and I just forced a situation that I thought would be something great is just not supposed to happen.

The last 10 minutes of the film, Zac Braffs character speaks about how leaving Sam isn't the end. But more of an elypsis of a beginning. Sort of like a new chapter. He says he has to live his new life- he was numb for 26 years and finally his life is now starting. He wanted to be selfish. Finally at the last second he realized how stupid that was. What they had is real. And to not let it go.

The song plays and I felt if nothing else, please listen to this last ten minutes. If he doesn't take anything away - if the film as a whole doesn't affect you as much as me (and whose to say it should) please, just please listen to this. For your own sake. And honestly I don't know why that thought popped into my mind. I'm great at reading people but I can't put my finger on him. I feel he doesn't let himself come first.. maybe he puts others in front of him. Understandable with his situation and responsibilites.. maybe subconsciously I feel he needs to be selfish. And as happy as he is I still sense and empty part. Not that he needs a person or someone to fill that in. But something is missing.. or lost. I can't say for sure because it's too early to fully let eachother in as friends in that way. And for me things need to be organic. I don't want to force conversations or friendships, relationships, life situations advice on to others. But I felt that the last few minutes would sink in. And surprisingly- those ten minutes happened. No phone. No distraction.. But I felt maybe this was just a bad suggestion, forcing a film onto someone who wasn't looking for it? If it makes sense? I dont know..

He told me he loved it. I felt like I was sixteen again. The feelings I had about the film rushed through me. I could only hope to give and share that joy I had of seeing it the first time and a million times after with someone else. He said he's watch it again without distractions. And I accept that. I feel this movie is too good. Seeing it by yourself takes it to another level. And maybe that's what needs to happen- for him to fully appreciate and fall in love with the movie by himself. On his own terms.

I then realized I may not have been able to enjoy the moment with him at this moment in time- but I introduced something to him. And I honestly think, be it movie, music, person, story, situation- you have to resonate with it on your own terms. Love it and enhance your perspective on your own terms. Because really, we can only truly see beauty in our own eyes- not through someone else's.

I have no idea why

2011-06-29T03:49:00.000-07:00

But I just had one of the worst, scariest, horrible, embarrassing, realistic dreams ever in my entire life. And I would wake up thinking it really happened. Then go to bed. And dream it and think it was real. Then wake up and worry that it had happened again.. over and over. For three hours. What the hell. I have no idea what brought me to this dream... and I'm shaking almost. I kinda wanna cry.

How is it that something so fabricated can haunt me and scare the fuck out of me like this?

I made good time.. only to be set back 2 hours.

2011-06-27T12:05:00.001-07:00

Juan, Jose, and Juan

These guys were so awesome. On my annual Borrego Springs trip, we went to Joshua Tree as we always do. I was walking around the park and saw these guys getting ready to rock climb. I tried as hard as I could to speak in my embarrassing Spanglish. They told me they drove all the way from Mexico and Plan to go all the way to Washington, just rock climbing. Super nice guys.

I knew my drive down was too good to be true. I drove from San Francisco to San Jose and took a quick nap at home. Left San Jose the other day at 11pm and got to LA at 4 am. Slept in a parking lot in Santa Monica and my first shoot went on without a hitch. I met two amazing stylists, and one of my idols- Daria Radlinsky. She's a styling genius! I cant wait to look at her portfolio online.

Finally. I made it down to Palm Springs. I think my film isn't loaded quite right so now I'm trying to justify my next 8 frames. Maybe they'll turn out cool. It's currently 102 degrees. I love it. I wish I could live down here. I just need to go to wallgreens to buy some sunscreen mine is completely dunzo. I have three more portrait sessions here in Indio as well as 29 Palms. Theres also a few hotels I wanted to take photographs of in Twenty nine Palms.

Lets hope this minor set back is the only tiny bump in my trip..

This really shouldn't take this long.

2011-06-22T18:49:00.000-07:00

I have been in the labs since 3pm just editing. I feel like the time goes by so slow here. But I've been catching up on all my South Park.

I don't think I've ever had my website be the same for more than eight months. AGAIN. I'm re-arranging, taking everything down and changing the navigation of my site.

I'm starving. I was gonna update something super impressing but I can't remember what...

Clearly

2011-06-21T20:16:00.000-07:00

I need to crack down more on updating this thing. I have been so busy. I feel like I haven't had time to rest my feet! And it's summer..
My second to last week of school started with a lovely notice that our apartment building had bed bugs. And we had to pack everything up. Clean every article of clothing, basically move out, and have them spray our apartment 3 times in two week periods. We JUST NOW are putting our life back together. I haven't seen any bugs ever, but one of my roommates found one in her room so we all freaked out (to be honest I couldn't sleep for one night.. I felt all gross and creepy-crawly).

I spent the 6th-12th running around in the desert on John's annual photo trip to Borrego Springs. As always, gorgeous. I left with such great experience, and made some amazing new friends. I felt last year we had more time to hang out. We went to a lot more places this year, and I shot everything in 120. Which means A LOT of scanning.
Funny thing, last year during our desert trip we went to Joshua Tree and while shooting Leah in lingerie and some guy on a motorcycle rode by, turned around, and we all had a field day with our new impromptu model. His name is Jaber and we added eachother on facebook but totally lost touch with him. Before we left I let him know we'd be in the area and he was super down to meet up. He even gave us an amazing recommendation on where to eat in Yucca Valley.
We spent a lot of our down time smoking, hanging out by the hot tub, and taking random photos. We all had an amazing time. It's my 4th trip. And it won't be my last!

I came back to San Francisco with some surprisingly nice weather and reunited with my best friend Ambyr. We celebrated her birthday and went out for some drinks. I always have an amazing time with her.

So now my life will be filled with scanning.. and more scanning... UGHHHHH

As much as I welcome summer..

2011-04-07T14:05:00.000-07:00

I think I might miss this mist and the rain. I won't miss walking in the rain. I've done that way too many times this year. And I will NOT miss this horrible wind. Running against the wind is killing me every night.

I've finally had the time and money to get a lot of my slide film processed/scanned.
One thing I've noticed is that I can't help but shoot in fragments and details.

I have this theory. You know how people that are shy are insecure can't seem to stare or look people in the eye? Especially after they first meet, etc. For me I find it to be my perfect excuse to get to know this person. I use my camera to get close. Literally and physically. But with my friends- whom I photograph every day.. I have very little images of them. Just staring at me. Or looking at me in the sense of the "traditional portrait". I wonder why..

White blank pages

2011-04-04T18:23:00.000-07:00

I had my first cup of coffee today accidently. I feel that although I've experienced more life than some 90 year old people.. there are still tiny mundane things I haven't experienced. Case in point, drink coffee. I think I always associated it with the "coffee-breath" everyone has after and just filed that away in my brain as a negative connotation. None the less I feel like I just snorted a fuck ton of speed and I don't enjoy this jittery feeling. But I will say this; it tasted damn good.

I need to work on my god damn website. However this beautiful sliver of summer is making me lazy. I want to enjoy life and the sun. I don't want to sit in a dark lab all day editing away. I don't want to be in a cold darkroom *have I ever said anything like that before?!* printing away, leaving smelling like fix and selenium. I just wanna dress cute. Play in the sun. And possibly lay on the grass in a park and read a book. Because I'm that kinda girl.

I drank a beer on an empty stomach. And I'm still jittery from that stupid coffee drink 5 hours ago. But I'm not hungry. And I'm a poor kid until next week. Ah life.

Living through your letters

2011-03-15T23:27:00.001-07:00

My grandma died this morning. Hibernating for a while.

I've only been listening to acoustic sets.

2011-03-11T11:22:00.000-08:00

I'm not one to think too much about the intricacies of life and the universe. But this week in particular I've been getting sign after sign (but what are "signs" really?..) that's only led me to the conclusion that I can't control which way my life goes. Not something too profound.. many of us know this already.. But I'm talking on a different level.

I'd rather not go into a ton of details.. but basically I tried my best to prevent certain situations from happening, and I tried my best to make things happen.. and the universe just wasn't gonna fly with my decisions..

OK so thats neither here nor there.

I rushed to get to class today.. only to find out class is canceled.. twice this month. Where is my 2 grand going? seriously.

So now I'm scanning film, as I have been doing for.. this whole month pretty much. I wish the process wasn't SO LONG. It takes 10 minutes for one image to fully scan/be saved.

But I'm especially fond of this image I took about.. 2 months ago? I was with my best friend Breno and Doug. The night before we said "all I wanna do is go on location. And shoot some film". We had planned to leave at 10 am the next morning. But alcohol sounded like a better option and so we drank til 1 am and didn't wake up until half past noon. At 1pm we finally got our shit together and drove north. We didn't quite know where we wanted to go but we knew what we wanted to see/shoot. We ended up in Marin.. and finally on a small side road to get to Point Reyes. In the middle we saw this abandoned, exquisitely haunting white house. We hopped over a tree log and under a fence and explored. I walked a good 1/4 mile behind the house and saw this amazing tree. It sounds so ridiculous but I've never been so lost for words when it comes to nature. For some reason there was just something about the mass and organic lines of this tree. I wanted to sit underneath it and just listen to my ipod and fall asleep. I thought about that one book.. "The Giving Tree". Childrens books are great literature you know... When you're young you listen to your mother or sister or brother and grandparents read you these books and there is a limitless abyss for your imagination to run free. You take it for what it is and accept books about talking animals, and dancing snowmen. But once you're older you think about the stories you were read to.. and I think about The Giving Tree.. and think I could only be so lucky if I have someone in my life like that. Be it friend or lover. To have someone that appreciates and love you for you. That gives you things because they deserve them. No one asks questions. And until the day you're old and grey, they will still be there for you. As they always have been since day one...

2 more scans then off to my last class of the week.

The more I get of you the stranger it feels

2011-03-06T21:05:00.000-08:00

Yes. A seal reference. It's become my anthem when I scan. Don't ask me why...

This morning I woke up to a hazy and foggy San Francisco and I wanted nothing more than to pull the covers over and sleep in. Or go on an adventure and explore. Work was definitely not on the agenda for today.

I have been suddenly hit with a burst of inspiration. I've been thinking of so many things I want to shoot and new concepts and stories and spreads. It's just if I have time to get everything written down on a piece of paper so I can remember it all.

Scanning tonight. Until I get kicked out at 10:30. Then I'll be off to the gym. And sleep. Argh! SO much to do. So much to do.

I need to get away to feel again

2011-03-02T20:08:00.001-08:00

I feel so in and out. My mind races a million miles a minute but I'm slow to react on everything. Maybe it's this weather.
Last Friday I went out to one of my favorite "get away" spots and shot my now friend, Tore. Now I am not a nature girl. I will be the first to say I'm horrible with nature. I'll cringe at the sight of a bug.. and I'll be convinced every plant that brushes against my skin will give me some type of disease or I'll have an allergic reaction. But this place is one of my favorite places to go. When I can't drive to my secret beach I'll come here and walk the trails/read/listen to some music.

There's this weird fascination I get to bringing people ... well perfect strangers in general to a space that is all my own. Inviting them into "my space" without them knowing it. Maybe they won't appreciate it as much as I do. Maybe they fall in love with it. But I love knowing I'm bringing someone into my place of refuge.

I feel like I'm constantly playing catch up this week. I won't lie I haven't been as diligent as I've been in the past.. but I can't be doing 18 hour days all day everyday. A girl needs some fun.

I've been walking a lot.

2011-02-28T03:32:00.001-08:00

To be honest there is nothing more beautiful than the desert. I've been there 3 times in one year and I can't get enough of it. I love waking up to 88 degree weather at 6 am. Flat surfaces where I can run for days. Amazing new places to discover...I wanna go on a roadtrip soon.

I woke up Friday morning to the sound of the rain thrashing itself up against my window. No fucking way I'm leaving the house at 7:30 am to shoot on Embarcadero. I tried closing my eyes and put the covers over my head. I realized my room was unnecessarily cold and grabbed a blanket off the shelf for some more heat. 8:15am. More heavy rain. More regrets of moving my bed right agains my bay windows. 9:36. I'm already an hour late to class there's no point in going. 10:15. I'm up. Get dressed and hey the sun is out.

I went to my second class. Met up with a friend and took his photo. I'm still anxious to get my film back and see how it looks.

I've had this horrible feeling all weekend though to be honest- ever since friday night. I honestly feel it was food poisoning, however I went out saturday night none the less.

I feel I'm at a standstill. I'm not motivated to finish school but I'm anxious to start grad school? I haven't even taken my GRE (obviously) but I want throw myself into working towards it and studying...?

My mom took my dog back to San Jose. I think she was getting lonely. I really miss him though. He's a pain in the ass sometimes... and having the responsibility of 2 -3 walks a day, 2 meals and play/park time sometimes kills me, I love him.
I wanna take gus to the ocean. He'd like that.

I need more film!

2011-01-23T01:53:00.000-08:00

I hate technology. I had a very uneventful saturday night. Dragged E to take me to Pho. Best moment of my day. Reals.
I forgot how to party with teenagers. And now I remember why I don't do it. My little brother turned 20. Got him a limo and drove around the city. Went to mission to take him to an African dance club that was the most fun I've had in a while. His friend got too drunk. We had to leave. Went back to the neighborhood and ended up at some 18+ hookah/dance place. Worst. Idea. Ever. The place was most definitely over cap by a good... 50 people. Some drunk hoe-hoe bumped into our table and I got a hot coal stuck in my boot. Crazy burn....

Satisfied

2011-01-20T21:25:00.001-08:00

Cheapest. Easiest. Yummiest meal for one. I won't complain.

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2011-01-20T14:25:00.000-08:00

Yesterday went so beautifully.
Woke up without a hangover. Always a plus.
Had some amazing chinese tea and did some yoga. Which is something.. I guess if I made a New Years resolution, doing more yoga and just being overall more ... flexible would be one of them.
I walked down to union square and shot the rest of my roll of film.
Headed down to Hamburger Eyes and processed a few rolls of film.
Met Dennis McGrath who by the way is extremely talented and has amazing eyes. I perved on some of his blogs and
was blown away. We talked about our love for film and analog photography to digital and papers, and printing, and LA and his work, and some of his zines, to porn and sexual .. hrm.. toys.
Doug picked me up after closing up and we walked around. Got him a charger and took me to Embarcadero.
Met up with Jesse and I took him to some bars. Thoroughly had a great time and we decided to be friends. Legit friends.
I crashed around 3am and now I'm trying to contemplate if I want a quesadilla before work or not. Options.

It's been a whileeee

2011-01-20T03:05:00.000-08:00

My birthday

A lot has happened since I last made a post.
I've fallen in and out of love with the wrong person for me.
I've grown up.
I've passed my photo classes.
I've made some zines.
I've painted.
I've shot 89 rolls of film and 24 sheets of 4x5.
I've learned how to use a Hasselblad.
I've smoked a lot.
I've drank a lot.
I've written some papers.
I've seen 22 films.
I've learned more turkish.
I've embraced my single - living.
I've embarrassed myself.
I've laughed a lot.
I've had people vibe me out.
I've learned guitar.
I've written a song.
I've traveled to Humboldt county and made some friends.
I've worked in a gallery.
I've found a new love and appreciation for frivolous sex.
I've bought a new record every month. From an artist I knew nothing about.
I've run a 7 minute mile.
I've written a thesis.
I've surfed almost every morning since 2011.
I've figured out my next tattoo.
I've made some money.
I've sold some prints.
I've worked on my website.
I've made a book.
I've had my heart broken.
And I've danced a lot. By myself in my room. On the street for no reason. On the dance floor (jokes). With my friends. On a table. On a bar. In my car (wow dr. Seuss anyone?)
I've smiled. And I've hugged a lot of people.

The juicy details in between aren't so ground breaking to make a whole post about. So this is a little inside peek of my life from a few ( a lot) of months ago until now.

Today went in directions I could not have imaged. I loved every minute of it. Today has reminded me of how great everyday can be. And life is just full of surprises. Dont take days for granted. :)

I haven't posted in a while

2010-10-06T11:10:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling out of it
I'm feeling a bit out of my element
And I'm feeling I have no control over what will or is and ever will happen
To me
or just life in general

I thought I made some good decisions but I'm feeling more and more crushed
I think I ran into this with such gumption
Just so I could pave over the feelings and emotions of brokenness
and hurt and pain
Like a quick treatment
I want to tell you the past few months things have been great
But with each day I just get more and more closer to realizing how much
This person kills my spirit.

Which isn't acceptable

I'd always laugh at my best friend telling me he falls in love every day
But now I am almost jealous of how lucky he is
I'd rather fall in love every day and be excited
Than sporadically feel this much pain

I'll try to post more uplifting things
and scan some effing film in. One of these days

Where the hell does time go?

2010-08-20T14:16:00.000-07:00

Seriously though? I feel like I had more freedom when I was in school with deadlines and projects creeping up behind me than I do on my actual "summer". I've pretty much just been working 5 days a week and if I wasn't in the city I was in San Jose enjoying some actual SUN.

This summer has been freezing!! Coldest summer by FAR. I'm fairly certain that it will be warmer in September/October than it will be this whole summer. Embarrassing.

I've been writing a lot. Contemplating wtf I should do or want to do after college. Looking are grad schools. Looking at potential jobs or side jobs that would entail me to shoot more. I've been shooting a lot. At least 49 rolls of film and filled up three 8 gig cf cards, it's just a matter of me developing and editing everything. Which I guess I just have to be more diligent about.

I've really gotten into architecture and have been buying and engulfing myself into interior design magazines and architecture books. I recently got an assignment in Alamo to take some photos of a couples home and send them off to their architect. Once I finish editing and making print outs for him I'll post some up here.

Some things I haven't been so good focused on is putting my website together and just re-doing the whole thing. Re-branding myself and editing all these new photos and making everything cohesive. Also I haven't done yoga or worked out in almost 2 months. I feel like dying. And I feel the pudge coming on.

I think I'll get back to editing. I'll report back soon.

2010-07-09T07:06:00.001-07:00

Please call me we need to talk.

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I'm a cat

2010-07-07T17:11:00.001-07:00

And I'll be back

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This is a bad fucking dream

2010-06-24T16:14:00.001-07:00

And Ill wake up and none of this ever happened.

There's something

2010-06-11T06:50:00.001-07:00

That no song can translate. No poem could tell you more beautifully. No message in a bottle would get to you fast enough. Telephone calls won't do it justice. I'm full of love and joy I just hope one day soon I can see your face and tell you. Good news can wait.

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2010-06-10T14:28:00.001-07:00

We need to be angels for each other, to give each other strength and consolation. Because only when we fully realize that the cup of life is not only a cup of sorrow but also a cup of joy will we be able to drink it.

words of your summer

2010-06-10T14:09:00.000-07:00

I was standing on the ledge
of a twenty-four story building.
I was breathing in every dream. Every hope. Every story. Every word of your summer.
I exhaled all my doubt. All my concern. All my confusion. All my worries.
I closed my eyes and saw nothing but you.
I opened my eyes and told myself not to look down.
I looked down.
I saw the roads and paths of which I had lead my life up until that point.
I saw every option. Every decision I had ever made. Every tear ever cried.
I took in a big breath and screamed till my lungs shot out.
This is beauty. This is real. This is more than appreciation. It's more than an argument.
A hug. A song shared. A laugh. A hand held. A quick minute where both eyes are met.
I took it for granted.
I stood on the ledge for years.
The only way down is to jump.
How the fuck did I get up so high?

Home

2010-06-08T17:54:00.001-07:00

Is wherever i'm with you.

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Oh and

2010-06-01T16:16:00.001-07:00

Hello tan lines. What's up abs!

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What does it all mean?

2010-06-01T14:49:00.000-07:00

I wake up in the middle of the night upset and alone. I'm confused and weary. But it makes perfect sense since I go to bed alone. I wake up and have tiny bursts of words and phrases injected into my head. Never full stories. Never full poems. Just words and lines.

I want to open your pages and read all there is to read about you. I don't want your education but rather your knowledge.

You

2010-06-01T02:04:00.000-07:00

It's only easy because we're strangers.

Everything is a discovery.

I wonder if I knew you before in another life. Things might be different

2010-05-30T07:56:00.000-07:00

I'm surprised i'm not hungover

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you wove your words and music into my life

2010-05-24T20:32:00.000-07:00

Wrapped the blanket completely around my head and managed to filter out some of the noise.
I sometimes pretend that what I am hearing are waves of a violent ocean, pounding against the high coast.
The house here placed on the top of a hill.
There must be some reason why there are such similarities between the sounds.
So the blanket works relatively well. I wrap it around my head, I look like a beduine… I turn off the lights and slowly glide into the darkness.
I have not drawn for a really long time. It is very depressing. I put the pen to the paper and it just does not want to draw. It does not work.

And the fragrant haze embraces us and crawls into us and intoxicates us…
just like music crawls into our ears and makes us hear its vibrations through many more parts of our body…
just like little melodies straighten out a mess of thoughts and put many of them onto the right kind of track…
Some sounds take a bite out of the thought process we have…
I will not listen to music now… I will probably go back to sleep…

So baby let's just sit here and keep me warm

2010-05-23T21:46:00.000-07:00

Bob Dylan. Wine. My bestfriend and my fire place. Today will be so great.

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I go to bed

2010-05-23T03:35:00.000-07:00

Scribbling lines and thoughts and
Poems that just appear in my mind. Nothing I put on paper will ever come true

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Location:Oak St,San Francisco,United States

The past weeks

2010-05-22T12:04:00.001-07:00

Have gone by in such a blur. I need to be in quarentine for a while. All I need is my paper and pen and guitar and film in my camera. It's taking me forever to develop my last roll...

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Location:Post St,San Francisco,United States

I think

2010-05-21T18:21:00.001-07:00

In all my misery and all my honesty there will always be a part of you burried deep within me.

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Location:Hemlock St,San Francisco,United States

why does it affect me?

2010-05-20T02:34:00.000-07:00

I wish I didn't make such an impact. Because then I wouldn't have to be burdened with this heavy weight on my shoulders. My timing is horrible.

I'm praying my finals go well.

Who the hell can see forever?

2010-05-19T02:04:00.000-07:00

What happens
when your pen runs out of ink
and your mind runs out of thoughts
and your mouth runs out of breath
and you sit and you stare and you think
and you live and youre dead but your breathing and
you feel a heartbeat
but you're just there.
what happens
when you give all you can give
and you expect for more than you want
and you get what you want but dont have what you need
and you hear but you dont listen
and you talk but you aren't speaking
and you feel with touch but not your heart.
what happens
when everything is taken from you
and the carpet is pulled from beneath your feet
and you're laying down look up at the ceiling
and you regret everything you could have done
and you wish you had done this or said that
and you wander in your mind and wonder on the ground
and you figure you're in the wrong place at the wrong time
and you are excited and full of joy and aspiration
and you have the breath taken out of your mouth
and the wind knocked out of you
and you listen to songs that bring back nostalgic memories
and you want nothing more to make new, beautiful memories
and you're exposed but you're hidden
what happens
when you have a closet full of clothes
and nothing to wear
and you have twenty pairs of shoes
and you only like two
and you have hobbies and goals and ambitions
but you put other things infront of what you're striving for
what happens
when it's 1 fucking 30 in the morning
and you cannot sleep
and you're worried, and tired, and sleepy, and anxious, and thinking, and content, and drained and hopeful and sore?

Let's deal

2010-05-19T00:25:00.000-07:00

i want to be the bones underneath my skin,
i want to be clean and pure and honest.
i want the air to surround me in all the empty space
that circles my body in gentle breaths.
i want to fill the bullet holes you have shot through me
with thick, dry dirt that is rich with seeds
so i can grow flowers in their places to bloom and grow
like roses stained with your lies.
i want my arms to be shaped like tree branches
and extend themselves towards the sky,
reaching for the stars in gallant movements,
they can never fall too low.
i want to purge my body of all my sins
i want to erase bitter-stained days;
let me throw it into the sea and wash it away
so the monsters can swallow it whole.
i want to succumb to this disease
that tugs at my sleeve like some hungry child
but i cannot feed her, i cannot help her,
i need to let her go;
go into me like a faceless ghost
that knows what i want
but gives me what i need.

I stayed up all night

2010-05-17T00:54:00.001-07:00

Trying to write you the perfect love letter. The perfect song. The perfect words. But all I could do is dance.

I love Angela.

2010-05-14T14:59:00.000-07:00

I haven't updated. But I will now. Because I love my best friend. And I love drinking tequila at 3pm and listening to Devendra Banhart and Sufjan Stevens with her.

I want to go on a trip soon.

Finals are killing me. I want to just hide under my covers.

Life is really amazing though. I am meeting a ton of great people and I'm so happy they're in my life.

And I love my new 210 lens. Fucking finally.

We live together in a photograph of time

2010-04-14T00:55:00.000-07:00

I accept everything that is coming. I accept the fact I probably won't make it out of still life alive. I accept the fact that not working out for the past month turns me into a fatty. I accept the fact that there are not enough hours in the day to get everything I want done.

I woke up at 9. I set my alarm to 6. I put on some clothes and took the bust to Bart. I went to Daly City. Took Mark Quines' portrait. He fixed my fuji-back. We hung out and saw the GGB (jokes) from his backyard. He dropped me off at David W.'s house. I met his roommates. I drank a glass of wine at 2:30 in the afternoon. I took David's portrait. I like his house a lot. His roommates all know eachother through mopeds. I felt extremely out of the loop. They had all their cool lingo and moped talk... I realized what a huge nerd I must sound like with my photo friends. I took the bus to Van Ness. I got an awesome ice pop at walgreens for 2 bucks. I walked home and dropped off my camera stuff. I went back to school and processed about 15 sheets of film. I was doing well. A few people got on my ass about not going to class. I understand. I know I didn't go to class. It's no one's problem.

I saw Ruffo. I really enjoy him. He's a great boy.

Apparently tomorrow I'm modeling nude for Julianna's 4x5 final. Damnit hahah.

I had this amazing chicken/pesto sandwich. It was amazing. The most expensive sandwich of my life but it was SO good.

My hands hurt a lot and I really should do some yoga.

Waking up bright and early tomorrow.

I don't know what I was thinking

2010-04-09T09:59:00.000-07:00

But this is my new pet. I named her henny penny. I saved her from being someone's dinner. And as long as she just lays eggs it's official and legal in the city of san jose for a pet. I'm quite excited.

Tuesday fucking slapped me in the face. I won't go into details but it really didn't go the way I wanted it to. For some stupid reason I went to school and couldn't control myself. I told myself over and over I didn't need him to cheer me up but of course I did. I was surprised at how much better life could be with just a hug. And of course Patty was walking down the street. She had strawberries and gave me one. It was one of the kindest gestures I've seen in a while. Funny how just a tiny little strawberry made me happy.

Yesterday was way random. I didn't feel like seeing anyone. I stayed at home and slept until 12:41. I met my god mother at Moma. We went to Ducca. The one thing I love about my God parents is no matter what they're doing they have dropped their life and rushed to wherever I am to be by my side. I feel so lucky to have such an amazing family and amazing people in my life. We caught up on her work. She's currently doing some work for Nasa and helping the cupertino plant go green. It's exciting since she's been trying to work with them for the past 6 years. We left and I walked to 180. I saw Kyle and saw some of his 16mm images. To be honest I'm blown away with his stuff. It sounds stupid because all my friends are so talented but I totally admire the whole process he goes through to make his images. And they're beautiful. I dont know I just really like them.

I went back to Moma to meet Wass' class. I was at the 75th Anniversary Gala ages ago so I've already seen the exhibit. I still walked around I love going to museums. But I'd much like it if I were by myself. Wass kept running into me and some kid in our class kept taking my photo. I met a new friend. His name is Mark. He's 23 and has 19 tattoos and has been married for 2.5 years. Crazy. He had this silly little preppy jacket and khaki's on - I was so surprised when he showed me his half sleeve. We're surfing Wednesday morning before work. I'm extremely excited by this. He has a very Thoreau-way of thinking and I super admire it. He's very interesting. I'm going to interview him on my love project.

We sat at a coffee shop with the class talking about our projects. I don't know if it's because I'm in my 3rd year and taking a 1st year class or if my class is just extremely retarded and unproductive, but everyone either "hadn't decided" on their final (we've had at least 2 weeks to "think" of two-three ideas) or their concepts included death, suicide or portraits in a studio. With no concept behind it. I was a bit put off by their responses, because there are a select few in my class who are very talented it's just obvious they don't put in the effort. So I guess we'll see how it goes.

Kelly wanted to use my mark II over the weekend so she walked home with me. I took her ass straight into my neighborhood and she was pretty uncomfortable. She was laughing saying how she's 28 and acts like a scared little girl and I walk around saying Hello to everyone. A man came out of the tobacco store with a handful of beautiful red roses. He then proceeded to slap himself in the face repeatedly screaming some obscene remark about my shorts. Welcome to my 'hood, girl.

I got a call from Ange and she wanted to have sushi. We met at Kyoto and talked about life, school, her poison oak, her sisters, her moving situation, and movies. We walked home and smoked some weed. 20 minutes later, my co-workers boyfriend walks in. I was so happy to see him. He's such a fun person. I was stoned by 10 PM and we talked about how he's just packing up and leaving to go to New York at the end of the month. He has a live in girlfriend, and two dogs and he leaves everything behind the 28th. It was a little sad. And the mood definitely went down... leave it to Ange to brighten up a situation. She put on "Newsies"- one of my favorite musicals. We started singing and dancing. Doug showed off his awesome moves and Ange got up to what I thought was to go to the bathroom. Two seconds later out of the corner or my eye I just see her flying across the room with her legs in the air and I never thought I could laugh so hard. I think we all laughed for a good 4 minutes. I am not lying.

Her sister came over and made a brief encounter. We cleaned her bong and Ange made resin tea. Disgusting. Doug left to go to McTeague's and then Kyle came by. He did his helmet dance which always makes me smile. We got him some powder for his feet. He stayed for a bit then left. I felt like passing out but Ange brought out this amazing chocolate cake. I ate at least 1/4 of it. Marz came in and we watched Seinfeld and he gave Ange a massage. He tried massaging my arm and it just hurt a lot. speaking of I need to call my chiropractor and move my files from campbell to san francisco.

So last night was a blasty blast. I really like Angela and I'm happy we're friends. She always cheers me up and even though we're not at that part of our friendship were we tell eachother anything and everything, I still feel like she gets me. And I get her.

I'm totally blasting Hanson right now

2010-03-25T12:28:00.000-07:00

And I'm enjoying it. I'm going to try my hardest to dedicate today to just shooting. Let's see if I don't get distracted.

I spent a good 2 hours organizing and cleaning my room. And I've been ALL about my fireplace ever since our smores party. A good way to start spring break I feel.

I'm not motivated at all to shoot my 4x5... and I loaded about 45 sheets of film @ school before break thinking I'd be all stealth shooting the fuck out of everything. Guess not...

I got my guitar back from San Jose so happy. Thinking about buying a new keyboard. I am all about this Akai MPK88 board. We'll see what's up.

Bought a ton of groceries yesterday. Salmon anyone? Yes!! So yummy. And some produce my body doesn't hate me anymore for feeding it shit.

I think this post is pointless I felt I had something I had to write earlier but now I can't remember. I'll post something later.

I know that you're a sucker for anything acoustic

2010-03-24T16:08:00.000-07:00

This week has been so beautiful. I still have a crap ton to shoot for. But I'm enjoying my time off. I've gotten 4 interviews done.

They have gone way better than I planned. I've found that I've gone to two extremes- interviewing people I've known for years and people I've known for a short period time. What I find exciting is the people that I barely know are just so open with me in talking about love, relationships, their parents relationships, childhood, how they define love and such. Which I'm just so happy about. Each person has also given me a little piece of them which I so admire and appreciate. I leave after every interview with such respect and fun things.

Like Michael. Totally not what I was expecting. And I spent those 5 hours just in awe of him. He's one of those people that I know I will get along with and hope we can become good friends. We went back to his place and after spending about an hour talking about music in the original interview he played a song he wrote which I was totally taken a back. I feel it's one of those intimate things when you hear a song someone has put so much heart and soul into and I was very happy he shared that with me.

Sarah was the same in terms of surprises. She was not what I thought and gave me such a great story and opened up even though we've known eachother for a day. She's a hopeless romantic and even though she has such a tough exterior her interview and her stories were so beautiful. She took me back to her place as well and showed me her artwork. SO amazing. She paints and uses a lot of text with her work and I was blown away about her scales of paintings. She gave me a painting and I promised Id make her a print + a print of her portrait when I take it.

I'm actually totally procrastinating. I have to go to work, pick up some of my 4x5 stuff that came in the mail, and shower, finish cleaning my room and have some girl time with ange. I'm amped.

Life is going pretty good. And positivity is all around me. I'm blessed honestly to know such amazing talented people

It will be alright

2010-03-19T01:56:00.000-07:00

I feel like every day I just have more and more on my plate. I tried putting all my energy into my 4x5 class.. but am now a good 2-3 assignments behind in still life. And an assignment and a half behind in Wass' class. However it consists of a total of 15 prints. So fuck me- right?

Today was actually pretty good. I dont know what it is about wednesdays. I spend all day at school. Go home and can never go to sleep. In turn giving me 2-4 hours max of sleep and then I go to 4x5. Then Concept class. A total of 10 hours. Then I find some way to manage to still stay in school and work on some assignment. But I'm usually in a pretty good mood thursdays. I dont know how it works itself out.

Tonight I went to slideslam which was presented at our school this month. It was great seeing some of my east bay photographer friends. I met some great new people. Juan Carlos presented his work that he just finished in Haiti. He presented a lot of film which was so great. Check out his work here.

There was a huge turn out which I was super amped on. A lot of new friends. Good vibes. Met some new contacts for Dust's next issue.

Speaking of....

We're finally cracking down this next week and putting Dust together. I think a total of 20 something photographers this issue. What the crack is that? SO amazing. I'm really happy.

I got my fuji back. So amped. Just won a 4x5 jobo loader with the guide and tank. So I'll be waiting for that little sucker to appear at my door in the next few days. I found a box of old band t's from my middle school/high school days. Think glassjaw, anything drive thru records, kinda stuff. I'm totally rocking those t's this summer.

Life has made a crazy fucking turn in my life. For a long while I saw it as a huge blockage in the middle of the road and it's taking me a while to see past that and see it as something in a more positive.. it's just hard to see that. Maybe sometimes it just is what it is?

Spring break mother fucker. Spring. Effing. Break.

I never asked for any of this

2010-03-12T10:39:00.000-08:00

It's increasingly hard to keep going through each day. I feel like with every new day I have more and more obstacles I have to go through. To be honest I know in the long run I will look back and see these were all lessons for me... But right now it just hurts. Way too much.

I've been too trusting. And too willing to let people into my life. I fucking regret a lot of it.

I'm way behind in classes and school is totally kicking my ass. So no spring break for me. Work work work.

I'm getting tired of this damn city.

What a crazy semester this will be!

2010-02-14T23:33:00.000-08:00

I am so excited. About everything. It's just if I have time to fit everything in to my days. I feel this week has gone by in a blur. I've learned so much. I bought about 2-3 books on view cameras trying to learn as much as I can about them. I'm nerding out trying to go pro with the zone system. I did my first polaroids for 4x5. Then did a film test. I loaded my film correctly (I was so worried!) and processed everything well! So happy!
My negatives are at school but I'll scan in my contact sheets.

My valentines day was pretty good. Woke up in Treasure island. Kevin made pancakes. Yuri made me a cute v-day card. Kevin and I explored some abandoned buildings. We took some awesome photos with his holga and my expired kodak color film. I'll scan those in asap as well. We ran into some squatters. SO weird. They were awesome and totally chill it was just we were walking down this long hallway. About 200 ft. long. No joke. And at the end of the hallway we see someone walk out. He was totally back lit and just stood there. But we finally spoke after a minute of standing still and not talking to one another. His name was John. He asked if we wanted to get high. We said no thanks and left. I told him happy Valentines day and I think he appreciated it.

Afterwards I went to work. I had a busy day surprisingly. I listened to the Sufjan Stevens radio on Pandora. I want to learn how to play the banjo.

I need to make a mix cd I've been promising a friend.

I need to clean my room. And drink some water. Get some sleep I have a long day tomorrow.
I want to shoot more color.
I need to cut my hair soon.

No wonder I can't keep my thoughts together!

2010-02-12T09:13:00.000-08:00

Look at this mess. I've been so caught up with school and work it's been crazy. But it's a good crazy.

TODAY:
-get dressed
-go to Johns intro to photography class and teach these noobs about light meters
-sell my light meter
-go to Gassers and get cable release, pick up leahs book for 4x5, buy Tri-x 4x5 film, buy a new friggin thermometer, buy sleeves for 4x5
-drop that shit off at school
-practice loading/developing 4x5 film
-shoot in the studio
-make some working prints
-work on DUST
-DUST meeting
-grab some juice
-read book about 4x5 and crazy awesome book about making your own developer
-maybe eat? lets see if I have time...

ok.
off I go.

Poor Lion

2010-02-09T22:49:00.000-08:00

You'll see my awesome creation this Thursday!

My back is fucking killing me

2010-02-08T00:56:00.000-08:00

And I have a feeling I won't sleep much/well tonight. I don't know why. I'm just so super amped for school right now. I have this rush of positive energy running through me. I feel like running a marathon. Right now I have the Dream Girls soundtrack on repeat. repeat. repeat. I hate that movie to the core but the songs/score is amazing. My stomach hurts. I ate a lot of fruit snacks near the end of the night. Bad decision. I need to detox. Or maybe just not eat so much crap. Although I've been cooking every night it's usually some major carb and not enough salad. And I get way enough protein so I think we're good though. I really want some tea right now. I picked up my guitar for the first time in months tonight. I wrote a song. A friggin song. I haven't written a song on guitar in years. I still wish I had my piano here. I'd be playing that thing 24/7. I'd drive my roommates insane. I'd annoy the neighbors. Even the homeless men who sleep in the alley which my room faces would get pissed off. But I would be so content. I love my piano. So ... on Thursday night.. I had a show for BBI. Many of my friends had big prints along the walls of Exposure Gallery. We had a slide slam of ALL the work from Wandering in the Company of Strangers; from Guadalajara, San Francisco and Los Angeles. It is SUCH a beautiful series. I can't wait for it to go to New York and Phoenix. After that we went to The Chieftan. In the end it was a total of me, victor, luis, sheri, Mark, Emilio, Elena, Irwin, Mark, Unni, Mukul, Elliot, Francisco, Juan, Jeremy, Sebastian, his kinda-girlfriend (Emilio made the funniest comment. When Sebastian went to pick her up and said he was getting his ''kinda girlfriend", Emilio made a face and said "Well.. what the hell sebastian. Don't bring some girl here whos just a ''kinda'' girl. She's your gf or not. If not I "kinda" don't wannt meet her" haha), Pacarik, Rory, Steph, and I think 2-3 others who I forgot. It was pretty packed. And I got pretty tipsy. We then went to Sebastian's friends house. His name is John. And I can't wait to do my next project on him. He's so fucking interesting. And happens to be dating a girl I knew in high school. We hated eachother. But we're fine now; it was crazy, I hadn't seen her since 10th grade. hmm. Anyways. This guy has sooo many instruments at his house. We all jammed. I played the piano and the bongos. there were harmonicas, guitars, synths, accordians, bass, tamberines, so much going on. Yet it worked. Anyways.

We drank. And smoked. And played more music. I'll scan in my journal what I wrote for that night. That part of my night is a whole different post. SO much to write. SO much to say.

I'm out.

Life just got thiiiiis much better!

2010-02-07T19:45:00.000-08:00

Say hello to my new baby! A name is still to be decided (it's a stretch between Baby Benedict and Little Edgar...Yes I name my cameras)...but for $100 more than it would have cost me to lease a 4x5 camera out for the semester I now have one allll to myself. Unfortunately I had to buy a 210 lens (ebay you are my savior) and should be getting my fuji polaroid back in the mail soon!

This week went by long... but I enjoyed every minute of it.

My Mondays will be amazing. I start with the darkroom opening at 8:30 AM. Then get as much as I can do before I have Art History through the 20th c. which is basically just focusing on Modern art. Which I'm so amped about. My instructor has an odd sense of humor in that hes the only one who laughs at his jokes... but it's fine.

Then I have to haul ass to SOMA to go to my instructors studio for my still life class. This guy is amazing. He has such a great outlook on life in general and I love the way he approaches the concept of still life. He does a lot of food photography, but wants us to take photos of what we do normally, but to make it work for the assignments. I was worried I'd be stuck in a studio taking photos of fucking fruit this whole semester.

Things have been falling into place well.

I have sooo much to update on. But this can wait until Tuesday. Or 3 am if I dont fall asleep tonight.

And today was a day like any other

2010-02-02T23:57:00.000-08:00

I spent most of my day inside... trying to update my damn website and put the Dust blog together.

But I was able to get out for a few hours and shoot. It was so damn cold. But I had flip flops on so...

On the agenda for tomorrow:
-work out
-work from 11-1
-develop 5-10 rolls
-print? scan? possibly
-go to 180 and pay to have access to the digital labs
-make dinner for friends
-catch some ZZZzzzzs

I have nothing special to say. So I'll go wash my hair.

The night Patrick Durkin came to town

2010-02-02T09:13:00.000-08:00

To be fair- although we've known one another for three or four years, we both agreed that just recently it felt like it was the first time we've hung out. Before we'd always just drink or get high and he'd sneek me into bars or we'd hang out at his apartment with his funny roommates... but we never talked. Like a real conversation talk.

I wasn't sure how long he was gone for but I knew he had left San Francisco and was traveling and working on different sets for different movies. Lovely facebook notified me that he was back in San Francisco and I texted him asking what he was up to. We were in two different districts and it was already 11pm so I didn't think I'd see him at all. I get a call at 1AM asking if I'm still awake. Because I never sleep.

He came over and we just sat and talked. He told me about his travels. He talked about going from vegetarian to a vegan. He talked about how he wanted to work and live on a farm with a family. He seemed so different. Not the super drunken guy who was in love with movies I've known. He seemed healthy. Excited about everything. Loved life. It was so refreshing.

He started writing and documented his journey from Memphis to Kansas, to Boston to New York to Portland and back at San Francisco. He talked about how he did DMT, fell in love, had his first threesome, ate amazing vegan food, met amazing people, couch surfed for a month, talked about shapes, equations, geometric patterns and his new appreciation for life. You know of people who have almost-close-to-death situations, and they have a whole new out look on life. A more positive one? It was just like that. Except he didn't almost die. He just woke up one day and was just "excited about life". Which motivated me so much. I want to be like that. Not necessarily live everyday like it was my last- because honestly, I think that could get exhausting. But I just really appreciate someone who can be so amped on life and the positive things that life can bring.

It was a big and wonderful surprise seeing him. I wish him the best in his travels and goals.

Still can't sleep.. but my foot is

2010-01-31T03:02:00.000-08:00

SO below was the outcome and final product of our wheat pasting adventure. Above was the 30 minutes that it took us to put it all together.

I wish I could freakin' sleep. Geez.

Listening to Sufjan Stevens new .. well kinda new album, The BQE. So beautiful. I wish I could write beautiful music like that.

Nothing too interesting to touch upon right now so I think I'll finish my tea and watch a movie or something...

I can't sleep..

2010-01-31T01:31:00.000-08:00

Dick Beery, Zulema Carrasco, Michael J. Costa, Brad Evans, Rory Hejtmanek, Susan Hobbs, Cass Kissam, Karla Louie, Teresa Miranda, Carl Mogerley, Thomas Murphy, John Rickard, Carla Saunders, Theo Slavin, RK Stephenson, Mario Sundar, Martin & Patti Taylor, Rosella Tibig and Rikki Ward- You're all so talented and such amazing people. loves loves

"Just shoot the shit out of anything and everything...then look back and see what you have.."

2010-01-30T02:04:00.001-08:00

So ... My show was on sunday. Which means this was on Monday. So Monday morning I try sleeping in as much as I could. It was pretty gloomy out and I kept wishing that annoying hissing sound my broken heater makes would just shut the hell up. I finally get up, took a shower and contemplated making breakfast. Or lunch.. since it was basically noon. Theo called asking if he left his jacket at our place since it has his keys in it... but no dice. He stayed over and I did my best attempt of cleaning up the cigarettes and beer bottles up the floor from the night before. Note to self never take the trash out 5 flights of stairs to the scary basement in rainy weather. We decide to get some mexican food up the street. Horchata and rice and beans hit the spot. And you can't beat that for under 5 bucks. Unni called and asked if we wanted to go to John's place that night.
John was in the workshop and has done a lot of work with BBI- He even hosted a workshop at his old studio in Shasta in 2007. To be honest I've known of him and said hi at gallery shows but never connected with him. And I hate that. I hate just saying hi or being in the same room with someone for a long amount of time and not listening to what they have to say and to hear their story and get to know them. So Monday night I decided I would get to know him. He has amazing work..and is just extremely smart and funny. We arrived at his girlfriends' place around 7 or so. Drank some amazing Petit Syrah and munched on crackers and listened to this great Nina Simone record. We all talked about our past travels, where we want to go next, current projects we're all working on, what we want to do in the next year. It was just an overall relaxing, good time. I love when people will just invite you to their home and make you feel like you've lived there your whole life, I guess just overall hospitality.

So I'm sipping on my wine feeling a little tipsy as the night progresses and I found his girlfriends piano and start playing. I forgot how much I love pianos. It's basically the one thing I wish I could have brought to san francisco with me.. After John talks to us about his new studio and hosting some shows. He looks at our work and I fully enjoyed hearing his critiques and what he had to say. He talked to me for a while about being a gallery owner- and I told him how it's always been my dream to do what he does and how I still want to work towards that. While talking about shows and gallery stuff he was talking about sizes and when he prints - even with his darkroom prints, how he has this whole thing on the "perfect size" which I really liked.

For those who can't read my shitty fast handwriting.. it says
"I have a weird belief in sizes...no one should tell you what size to print...I think size is audible...Such as HEY YOU!!! LOOK AT ME versus Pst...come here"

It's 2:30 in the morning and I'm not even sleepy. Jesus.

My friends are so fucking talented

2010-01-29T13:34:00.000-08:00

Yesterday:

Wake up at seven. Went back to bed because it was way too early. It looked nice out and I wanted to run but my body wouldn't let me move from my comfy sheets and newly washed covers. Yes I finally did laundry. Laundromats are weird. Got a call from Unni at ten asking if I could help him with his history class online. Thoroughly enjoyed talking about the New Masons and the Cold War and Marxism and segregation and the Gulf of Tonkin. Helped him write a kick ass essay. Miles came at three to help me do my laundry since I'm a n00b to laundromats. Unni leaves. I pack all my clothes in a suit case and grab my camera. On the way I see the most gorgeous woman and run across the street to take her photo. I get hit in the head with her umbrella. Do laundry. Come home. Watch Michael Jackson's This is It. Kinda sad. Get a call from Victor. He came with sheri to talk about Dust. Irwin comes over a bit later. We talk about the new issue and we're all pretty effing excited to have such great talented photographers this issue. We talk about putting up a show. We get hungry and get pizza. I made friends with the arabic guy behind the country and talked to him in more horrible choppy arabic. We leave and go to elliots. Moments later I am just completely stoned. So stoned I give my keys and phone to victor. I feel like I could make some bad decisions tonight. We cant decide on what to drink. We write a ton of alcohol on pieces of paper and put it in a hat. They pick mine. Rum. Oh jesus. 15 minutes later the alcohol is here and all I remember is looking at a book on Tim Burton and some photo book. I had to put it down I was getting self concious. We hang out and listen to amazing music. I find a tiny sketch book. I guess whenever anyone comes to their apartment you have to draw something. Anything. I flipped through and saw these amazing works from my friends who I had no idea could even draw. For the past two years I just saw them as friends who went to school with me and who I liked shooting with. I never stopped to think they'd be good at anything else as horrible as it sounds? I got extremely happy knowing I have such great and talented friends. I wish I had my camera then to take photos of some of their artwork.

I'll write more later today. Errands. Dig

Quick stop

2010-01-27T14:02:00.000-08:00

On the agenda for today:

Wheatpaste some BBI images in the mission
Farmers Market
Embarcadero fun times
Laundry at the skeevy laundromat next door
Vegan pizza tonight?

More updates when I get a minute

A new year for new beginnings

2010-01-26T21:23:00.001-08:00

I needed my ass to get kicked!
And what better way than for an intensive 3 day workshop of nothing but photography? BBI (black boots ink) put on an amazing workshop. I met amazing people, extremely talented photographers and made some new friends I hope that stay in touch and become closer with.

I've carried cameras with me everywhere and take shots here and there and go back to my long term projects however this weekend just kicked my ass in terms of the level of where I want to be. There is something just so pure and exciting of waking up and shooting from sunrise to sunset and working your ass off. I was extremely happy with the outcome of everything and still have to develop my tri x film to see how that came out. By the way is it odd that I've been itching to get back to school and just haul ass in the dark room? hmm

This weekend I made such amazing memories and I thought about a lot of things.

Is it too late to make a New Years resolution? I never thought of making one this year but this weekend made me realize how passionate I am about photography and just the process of getting to know the person on the other side of the lens and hearing their story. And the process of writing again. Not just jotting down information and quotes but fucking writing.

Resolution. Shoot everyday. Write everyday. And post in here again. At least every other day.

It's already 9:30 and I haven't cleaned my apartment so I think I'll get up on that. More photos/stories to come.

Link to my flickr with some photos that I took over the workshop
http://www.flickr.com/photos/panduhbearr/sets/72157623146785769/

Blessed be.

2009-10-18T21:04:00.000-07:00

My best friend/sister

What hasn't gone on in the past few weeks?
Midterms have come and slapped me across my cute little face. I still have one more class, digital printing, to worry about. I kind of fell off the ball with that class, but after some great one on one conversations with my instructor
I'm sure I'll be doing better soon.

This past week or so I've had my eyes open to so many different situations
I know now what the real meaning of friendship is
I find it ridiculous some people can't be happy and appreciate what life brings them

One year ago today I never thought I'd be living with two other girls
In some apartment in SoMA working + school + trying to have a normal life
But I'm loving every minute of it
I couldn't ask for better two roommates
And I really enjoy their company. It took me the past two weeks to fully appreciate
How much we all get a long and respect each other.

As the semester gets closer and closer to an end I'm kind of freaking out
On what I want to do for my emphasis for the rest of my career at AAU
My heart is in documentary but half my friends cant even take the classes they want
because they are constantly being dropped since not many people sign up for the classes.
I'm not spending an extra couple grand so I can take the classes when PEOPLE decide to sign up
I want my classes to be there for sure and not get some notice a week before school starts
That my class has been dropped due to a lack of people signing up. Weak.

I think I need to keep working on some photos for my printing class.
I promise to update more

It's hard to believe

2009-08-21T12:03:00.000-07:00

Ryan: This guy is so interesting to me. What started out as a last minute shoot for my QOL class, turned into my next project

School is so soon. I decided to take this semester but do only two classes that will def. transfer over to any other school I may go to in the future. I read that SF AI lost 25% of their instructors last semester, and apparently Academy snagged some good instructors and I'll be with Brian Hewitt I guess for digital printing. Nice.

Wondering when I will get around to all the small little tasks before school starts...

I'm missing my family a lot. Ever since I got my new job I've been working my ass off trying to make some money and hopefully pay full rent. I'd feel more content I hate having my family pay for things...

Been listening to The Zombies lately. Loving it!
I'll write more later.

I fail at life

2009-08-18T17:58:00.000-07:00

Apologies for not updating at all. Life has been slow to say the least. And when I'm in a funk I usually don't take as many photos as I'd like to.

Updates..

Nastiia and I are roommates shes the best.
Niyaz left and moved to ohio... but came up and surprised me for the weekend

Considering either finishing school online or transferring and opening up my own gallery. It's something
I've always wanted to do so I think I'll definitely work towards that.

Will update later.

Almost done...

2009-05-12T07:54:00.000-07:00

So much life has happened over one semester. I won't go into much detail
But it's such a trip from leaving the country and being so extremely detached from a regular society
And to be back in San Francisco.

June 5th I'll have a show for Bay Area Documentary Association at this Publishing house (if I got that right?) across from SF Chronicle. I'm extremely excited for that.

I hope I do at least decent in most my classes, I kind of fell off track mid semester taking care of my family
But everything seems to be alright now

I'm not happy with one of my final assignments. It's this one year project I've been doing in San Jose
Documenting some convalescent homes and I'm still developing film for it for thursday. I went home this weekend
And shot as much as I could but I have this underlying feeling I still don't have a fully polished finished piece..
Which makes me just agitated. There are some projects I do for myself and there are some projects that I just
Fully en-golf myself in... and I get dissapointed easily because I have such high expectations of what I want to convey....

But in 6 days I will be on a plane leaving for Hawaii
I have a few gigs lined up and hopefully by the time I get back I'll have paid off the plane ticket

Looking for a new apartment as well with nastiia today in a few hours. I still have to type up an essay so I should do that now..

SHOOT SHOOT SHOOT

2009-04-24T02:48:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I've been able to update. If I'm not IN school, I'm AT school, either in the dark room (which hasn't been much of lately unfortunately)...or in the digital rooms. I've been getting a lot of shoots together and in this one semester alone I've made enough for my new imac. I need a computer just for editing my photos and finally I can afford one! I've set some $ from my shoots aside as well.. because I can never spend all the money I earn.

I'm so lucky to have such sweet boys assist me. I honestly don't know what I'd do without them.

So far I've been working my ass off/calling every small gallery that I know/trying to go through any connections to find a space for the BADA show... I'm worrying when it comes down to it we won't be able to pull anything off within the next month or so...

I need to buy some more chemicals/film.... I've had one roll in my AE1 for almost 2 weeks now.. wtf. I'm trying to push myself to do at least one final in all film so I can still have time to do it ... I haven't shot much of what I want with film lately..

Monday is going to kill me... 3-4 different shoots 10 am till possibly 9 at night in 2 different cities... I need to start resting up!

PS- I've fallen in LOVE with Solve Sundsbo. I wish I could do some of his high fashion work in film...something I might try over break.

Liberation

2009-03-21T15:54:00.000-07:00

Photo by Anastasiia Sapon

Being on the road was good for me. I needed it. Everything going on with my mom and grandmother kept getting to me.. and I'm glad I was able to spend 5 days with great amazing people who I call my friends.

It felt nice to not worry about washing my hair every night... not having to put on makeup every morning and just enjoying the sun.

I missed this weather. I missed grey skies. I love the sun, really... but I also missed that cold crisp air that hits your face after being cooped up in a warm house.

I need to go to Wells Fargo and open a new bank account. And eat!

Day 3

2009-03-21T14:34:00.000-07:00

Can I just say.... I HATE LA. I hate the traffic, I hate the snobbery, I hate everyones attitude.. LA just isn't for me. God forbid later down the road for some reason I have to move there.. I know I will be highly medicated 80% of the time.

So many mishaps... we called about 45 different motels.. and tried finding about 4 or 5 driving in circles in hollywood and somehow ending up in the TL of Los Angeles...

We slept in the car at an AM/PM which must have been one of my worst nights sleep ever... everyone was tired and irritated and the vibes were not good. I don't like sleeping with such negative energy inside me but it was just a bad night.

After that we just headed down to San Diego... after this point I refused to use my digital camera and I told myself I want to see my images once I'm in the dark room... And I got all the free film I didn't want it to go to waste.

San Diego was great... a new change of pace and such good vibes! We went to Ocean Beach and felt like home with all the hippies. After we went to Pacific Beach and it felt soo nice to just be able to relax and not as stressed.

Once I scan all my film in I'll post it immediately.

Day two, Part two

2009-03-20T16:33:00.000-07:00

So after Santa Barbara we drove a ways and came to Santa Monica. I really wanted to take everyone to Venice Beach and show them the city. It took us a while to find parking and venice. We drove to the boardwalk first then drove around downtown for a good hour. We finally found a spot and got out and enjoyed the sun.

Drum circle

Brittany freakin' Boyer and I sat on the beach for a while and right when the sun was setting, we heard a ton of drums so we walked over and found a drum circle. Everyone was dancing and we saw tons of little cuties. Every one and their mom had dogs on venice and they were all pitbull's and some other mean looking dog. I was so surprised how fit everyone was too- so many bikes and joggers. Afterwards we ran into muscle man again...

And I found a cute little model

We all found eachother and drove to this nice little mexican place. We left to find a starbucks and get something warm to drink. While on the way there Anastasiia couldn't find her camera! We went back to the mexican place and luckily they had it. She came back into the car and said "I love mexicans" it was sweet.
Then we went to Riverside to find a place to sleep. Victor and Luis' mom was so nice and took us in at midnight. She was the cutest thing ever and I fell in love with his family. I wish I spoke better spanish- his mom kept speaking to me and I understood what she said but I couldn't say anything back I felt so bad.

We made a fire and tried drinking but we found out instead of getting vodka we got smirnoff Ice.... which was just like soda. Note to self- dont get vodka when you're stoned.

We left that next afternoon and said goodbye to the boys and then it was just the 5 of us.

In the boys backyard.

Day two of road trip Part 1

2009-03-18T10:21:00.000-07:00

On our way to explore the beaches of Santa Barbara

So after we checked out we went to the beach by sea cliff and explored and I found some beach treasures

Anastasiia found a cute surfer- I think he fancied her too ;)

After the beach we headed down to Santa Monica and went to Venice Beach for the day. Anastasiia and I danced in a drum circle, Lindsey and Anastasiia got some henna and the boys skated all day. it was a good day. Afterwards we crashed at Victor and Luis' house. I have to go though before we have to check out of this hotel. Love you all!

DUST Road Trip

2009-03-17T20:34:00.000-07:00

So it's day 4 of our road trip. Sorry I've been late on updating, we ran into some difficulties in terms of wifi areas and sleeping arrangements (Thank you AM/PM on Knott's in LA).

The morning of leaving the city was cursed- I'm still not sure what was going on downtown but all of market was blocked off and there was a four car pile up on Van Ness... so it took us about an hour to figure out how to leave and get to San Jose.

On our way from San Jose to our first destination at Paso Robles

We headed out about 2 hours late and around 5 PM we ended up in Solvang and Paso Robles. We found a great abandoned truck stop and then visited the famous Madonna Inn.

We ended up in Santa Barbara our first night and stayed at this cheap little motel called The Sandyshore Inn. After some night photography (which will be uploaded shortly) we sat and hung out in the room for the night and enjoyed an actual shower!

Laying around enjoying the bed before a long day on the road

After Santa Barbara we headed off to Venice. I'll update on Day 2 in a bit- now we're off to get some food in our tummies and off to shoot some silly drunks celebrating st. patty's day!
Have a safe one!

Armenian Wedding

2009-03-11T20:27:00.000-07:00

February, 28th, 2009

In Rancho Cordova, a city in Sacramento country, 22 year old Aleena R. was getting for her big day. With the population of the city being primarily Armenian, I had the pleasure to photograph and attend my first Armenian wedding. There are many special traditions that are not practiced in other western weddings.

A few traditions I found interesting were the "basket dancing" at the Brides house. The family has three or four big baskets and a lot of traditional dancing (which I encountered throughout the day) begins. In the baskets contain the brides shoes, jewelry and presents.

Another tradition was the "apple" tradition which symbolizes virginity... It is rarely ever practiced anymore but the best man has a sword with red apples pierced through it. It is offered to the bride at her place on the day of the wedding. The next day, if the sheet of the nuptual bed shows blood (which is apparently shown in public), the red apple is given to the bride's family by the groom's side as a token of "appreciation" that they gave away a good girl who was still a virgin. I think the apples were shown just to follow old tradition, since many modern marriages do not follow through with the bed sheets being shown in public.

At the brides house, in a room of just women, Aleena was dressed by her brides maids and accompanied by her mother and future mother in law.

While the Grooms party meets at the Brides house, the brides brother puts on her shoes, and the family gives their daughter away to her new husband and his family. And of course- a lot more dancing ensued.